I am frustrated. (Big surprise, huh?) I just don’t feel right and I am not myself and I hate that. I know I need to accept it for now, but I just don’t want to. But I had another reality slap yesterday that is forcing me there.
Nick and I went to visit my family briefly for my Aunt Kris’s 60th birthday (happy birthday again, Aunt Kris!) and then decided to pop over to Gillette to see some of Patriots training camp, which we try to hit each year at least once. I even had my Nikon with me, which I don’t think I’ve used at all this year. Well, to make a long story short, we made it across a field of people, found a great spot to sit, and I lasted all of about 20 minutes.
It came on so suddenly! Yes, it was hot, and Nick had even just bought me a second bottle of cold water so I’d stay hydrated, but all of the sudden I just lost my breath and my whole body went weak and knew I had to get out of there. I clutched Nick’s arm and told him I was going to pass out.
We were escorted to a tent and I insisted I would be fine, I just needed the shade and water. So we rested and left. So disappointing. It took all my energy just to make it to the car and then the couch.
So I know I need to go easy on myself. To not push. And to accept that I can’t do everything I’m used to doing. But saying the words is a lot easier than actually doing it.
Coincidentally, I had a couple of good, long talks with two friends this weekend, both who have been through cancer in the last couple of years, and they reminded me of the same thing. And they are both really strong, thriving women who look and feel fabulous now. Hearing their stories each scared me in different ways, but inspired me, too, as seeing how fabulous they are now, I know that can be me – WILL be me – in a year or two, too. I just need to be patient, and accept that I’ll probably have a few more epic fails along the way…