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Archive for July 17th, 2010

Can you go home again?

This was written enroute home on Thursday, July 15 – just took a while to get on the internet!

(In the car on the way to the airport)

For probably the first time ever, I actually had double (triple) checked every room, drawer, cabinet and closet and was zipping the last of my five suitcases when my video doorbell rang for the last time. It was the car to bring me on the first leg of my journey home.

I’m now in the car and the driver is taking a rather interesting route to Heathrow. I’ve driven there (and in that general direction – it’s on the way to Nick’s high school) many, many times and have never taken such a scenic route. But it makes me happy. Maybe the driver knows I am leaving for good (at least for now) and thinks I should see the sites one last time. Bye Ben, Westminster Abbey, Horseguards and the London Eye. I’ll miss walking in you, St. James Park. The Thames – so glad I spent so much time by you. I must always live near water and you certainly more than sufficed.

Farewell, brave guards protecting the Queen and trying to keep a straight face as all those tourists photograph you. Thanks for the great dinner last night, Palm. Bye Sloane Square and Alivia’s street. No worries – I’m sure Nick will be back real soon!

South Ken – I really didn’t spend enought time at the museums. They are so wonderful. And look – the blue circles on the buildings that boast the famous people who lived there or events that occurred there. All historic, though, nothing current. You won’t find one that says ‘Jude Law lives here’ – sorry Erin!

Oh, there’s Hammersmith and Chiswick, our original London home. Glad I got one last perusal of the charity shops, but really wish I’d gone back to Primark for that shirt! I’ll miss Turnham Green – home of my favourite London Lebanese resataurant Elias. No, we are not actually passing Turnham Green – that would have been even more strange, but just being by Chiswick reminds me of it. Ah, now we’re on the M4 – the normal route. We’ll be at the airport soon.   

I can’t help but be so thankful for Nick and my time here. We are so blessed. We were lucky to meet such wonderful people in London. From my work colleagues in Warwick and London to my line dance and meet up friends – especially my book club girls! Then there was the dating foray where, of course, I met someone special. We had an incredible few weeks together and he really made the end of my time here that much better – and both easier and harder at the same time. It was so hard saying goodbye this morning – but I know it’s the right thing for both of us.

On the plane

I thought of asking the flight attendants if many people cry their eyes out on the plane. Yes, that’s me. I don’t think I’ve made it through a flight to or from England without any tears, no matter which direction I was heading. I actually made it through almost four hours – two movies and a meal – before making the mistake of putting Lady Antebellum on my ipod and closing my eyes. Then it hit me.

I hid under my blanket and tried to cry as softly as possible, although that’s not easy and it actually physically hurts trying to hold it back. I imagined someone asking me what’s wrong. No one ever does – people just look the other way when they see a stranger cry. Not sure if I would want to talk to someone right this moment or not, but I suppose it is always nice to feel like someone cares.

So what would I say? Why the hell am I crying? I guess because I’m sad (duh). And scared. And guilty.

I’m sad to leave a country I love so much. Correction: a city. London. I know that sounds strange from a girl who started this blog two months ago because she was so anxious to return home. But something happened in those two months. I made a commitment to really live in London. To make the most of every minute. I did and it was wonderful. Whether it was with Nick and Alivia, friends, visitors, a date or by myself , I was doing something, somewhere in that incredibly diverse city. I will make the same commitment in the next city I settle in, but I’m not convinced any other city can really live up to London. I will try though.

I’m scared of so much. Leaving my company which has been so good to me for the last 15 years. It’s been home and my colleagues have been my extended family. I grew up there. And I was able to support my son and feel secure in my role there. I wonder if I’m crazy to leave, but deep down I know I’m doing the right thing.

I’m also scared of going back to my house. Dread is more like it. I don’t want to live there any more. As many good memories, there are just as many bad. I just want to sell it and be done with it, although I know it’s not that easy and I have to be sensible too. For now I have to go back there.

And I feel guilty. I know it’s silly. (Crap, just thinking about this has caused the tears to start flowing again. And I can tell some of my fellow passengers have noticed. Hopefully they’ll keep ignoring me. I’m pretty sure they will. Oh – a little girl is watching me. Sorry sweetie. I’ll try to stop. I just have to get through writing this.) So I know it’s silly, but I feel guilty about this road trip. For so many reasons. Mostly to do with Nick, of course. As people make such a big deal about my starting my new life, I wonder if deep down he feels like I’m abandoning him. Like I’m happy to be without him. No, no, no! I’d love to continue our London life together, but know he has to go to university. I have to let him grow up. And that leaves me home alone. (No, I won’t let him live at home. I think living in a dorm is so important and something I never got to do – I don’t want him to miss out on that experience.) So that leaves me at home alone. So back to the beginning – me, alone, so why be at home at all?

I also feel guilty doing the road trip because I’ll be unemployed and unable to spoil him like I have in the past. I know he’d rather I stay where I am but I just can’t. I need a new challenge. A new start. I know it, but that doesn’t stop me from second guessing myself.

So I’m now an hour and a half away from landing back home. Yes, I will leave my job, my last day is just a month away. And yes, Nick will go to Salem State just a few weeks later. And once he’s settled, I’ll be on the road. I can do this, I can get through it all. (deep breaths) I am strong. I may cry a lot about it now, but as soon as this plane hits the Logan runway and I get in the car, drive down the highway and see the Pru, Fenway or the National Grid gas tank (depending on the route we take), I will have the biggest smile on my face. And then seeing everyone I have missed so much – I feel so much better just thinking about it. Come on pilot, fly faster! I’m done with the tears and ready to be home!

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