This week I pretended I don’t have cancer. It was much like the first six months of being 16 and pregnant when I simply pretended I wasn’t pregnant (yes, really, six months for those of you who don’t know the story). You’d think I’d learn that ignoring something doesn’t make it go away. (And in that case I thank God every day he didn’t go away!) Well, this time it was just a week and there’s nothing I can do about it anyway, so why not ignore it?
It was an easy week to do it. It was my first week since finding the lump that I didn’t have even one doctor’s appointment! Work was crazy busy as usual so I was able to stay busy with that. And, even more distracting, a couple of my loved ones had serious issues of their own that I was distracted by and wanted to help in any way I could. I so prefer to focus on others than on me.
I am a fixer. I try everything I can to help solve everyone’s problems and just want to help make everyone happy. But I know I can only do so much. There are some things I can’t fix – both for others and myself. And some people don’t need my help or want me to fix things for them. Sometimes you just need to give them space to do their own thing and be confident they know you’re there if they need or want you. And there are some things only prayers, well wishes and positive vibes will help. These are all things I have to remind myself when I see those close to me in pain.
It was back to reality yesterday as I realized what day it was: exactly one month from when I found the first lump. I can’t believe it’s only been a month – it seems like a lifetime. Only two weeks until surgery, and so much to do before then. I expect to hear the results of the genetic test early this week, have an appointment with my GP for a vaccine and some other tests one day, and my pre-op another. Makes it a little harder to pretend it’s not happening…