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Archive for the ‘Decisions’ Category

When I’m tired, I am indecisive. And I can’t stand it when people are indecisive – definitely one of my pet peeves. This has been a very long week – lots of early mornings and late nights. And lots of eating during those early mornings and late nights, and no time for exercise (except walking to and from work yesterday). That adds up to being tired and feeling fat. Not a great combination.

So last night I was supposed to go for drinks for my friend Andrew’s birthday – at 9 p.m. Ordinarily that would’ve been perfect, but not after this week. The feeling fat and stressed was winning out so I texted Andrew my apologies and said I was going to yoga. At least with the walk home and to and from yoga and the stretching with yoga I’d feel like I was moving in the right direction.

What I didn’t count on was being delayed leaving work, then getting home too late to get changed and walk to yoga. So I went to plan B – go for a brief run. I was really dragging, but at least I’d get some exercise in, which is always better than none. I got into
my running clothes, laced up my sneakers, found my gym boss and … I made the HUGE mistake of sitting down on my bed to reply to some texts that had just come in. And then I leaned back. Before you knew it, there I was, head to toe in running gear, fast asleep.

I woke up around 11 pm to a text from Nick. I responded, took my sneakers off and crawled back into bed. Clearly I needed sleep!

Third time’s the charm, right? And for me, it was. I hopped out of bed this morning, ready for a good run! The sun was shining, and hey – I was already dressed for a run! I threw my sneakers back on, grabbed my phone and headphones, and out the door I went.

And then I was pleasantly surprised by one of my neighbors. I stopped by my car to grab my sunglasses and as I closed the door, he walked toward me. We exchanged hellos and then he said he was glad to hear I was sticking around. A bit confused how he knew I was moving at all, I simply said thank you and started to point to my new apartment when he said the number. Heck, he probably knew I had the place before I did! I was surprised because I didn’t think I was noticed here, and then he really shocked me:

“You always inspire me,” he said.

“Huh?” I responded (eloquent, I know).

“Whenever my back is aching and I don’t want to move, I think of you and how you keep going, and know I can, too.”

“Thank you – I’m so glad,” I bumbled, amazed he even knew anything about me. But I guess the fact that I moved in with long brown hair, then it was cut, then shaved, then wigs, then bald, and now short brown hair – I guess maybe some of my neighbors noticed. Hard to miss at some points.

So we smiled, wished each other good days and headed on our separate ways. And that brief encounter made my day. It reminded me that whether people acknowledge you or not, there’s always someone watching – and sometimes appreciating – what you do. And today it made me thankful that I fell asleep last night and ended up with plan C.

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This morning I ran the BAA 5K. For those not familiar with it, it is 3.1 miles along Newbury St., Commonwealth Ave., and starts and finishes on Boylston St., by the Boston Public Library. In fact, it ends at the finish line for the Boston Marathon, which happens to be tomorrow. While the Marathon has been consuming much of my time – helping our Genzyme Boston Marathon Team with events and fundraising for NORD – the 5K has been looming in my mind.

As many of you know, I only started running in October 2011. I always swore I’d never run. I was the non-athlete who thought she was going to die when they demanded we all run a mile in school. But inspired by both our Genzyme Running Team and my cousin Tara, I ran my first 5K in December 2011 – the very fun but very cold Jingle Bell Run – and participated in Genzyme’s first Rare Disease Day Relay (last three miles) on February 29, 2012. Then, of course, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in March 2012 and with the ensuing surgery, treatments and side effects, the running pretty much stopped.

I tried numerous times to get started again – and each time I did, something happened like:

  • I was signed up for the Newport Half Marathon in October, then found out I needed more chemo, so that was out.
  • I signed up for the Jingle Bell Run in December, thinking that was a good way to start over (repeating my first race), then found out I needed radiation.
  • I signed up for the second Rare Disease Day in February, and then got sick just before.

So it was declared that it must be the lingering effects of the 2011/2012 hell year combo and I was cursed. I simply couldn’t sign up for any more races until I successfully ran one again – and luckily I had signed up for the BAA 5K before that third bullet, so we were just holding our breath that nothing would happen before it…

Th BAA 5K is significant to me for multiple reasons:

  • This was the first race I saw Tara run, in April 2011. I took her kids to cheer her on and watch her cross the finish line. I was so proud of her, and it never even occurred to me that I could do the same thing – 3.1 miles seemed like forever! And at that point I hadn’t quite made the connection yet that if I ran, I could eat and still lose weight, so I was still swearing off running.
  • I’ve been supporting our Boston Marathon Team since I joined Genzyme and they are such a fabulous group of compassionate, committed people. While I have no desire to ever run the Marathon (sorry Phil), I love the idea of doing something that ties so closely to the team.
  • It’s one of my favorite courses – it’s basically home. Since it’s right between my last apartment in Beacon Hill and my current apartment in Brookline, it’s one of my main running paths, especially at night. When I first started out, I mainly ran along the Charles River, along the esplanade, but then some runners were attacked there, so I started running up and down Boylston, Newbury and Commonwealth – all busy streets with wide sidewalks – if I was going out after dark. And there’s nothing like window shopping and people watching to make a run fly by!

It’s been harder getting back into running than I thought it would be. I think that’s in part due to the season and the cold – I am always so much more motivated to run when it’s nice out. Lucky for me, spring is now here: the Swan Boats returned to the Public Garden on Saturday, so now it has to be nice!

And the last few weeks I’ve been having shin pain, which I’ve never had before, and have really just been slugging along- much more walking than running… but I was determined, no matter what my pace or if it hurt a bit, to do this race.

And I did (even remembered to wear my compression sleeve), with such an incredible group of supporters: Tara (who in just three years has graduated to running her first Boston Marathon tomorrow!), and some of my Genzyme Marathon Team family: Jessi, Colleen, Kyle, Andrew, Sean and James – and Cian and David from Ireland not only cheered me on, but ran, too! I look forward to cheering you all on at the Marathon tomorrow!  And Nick and Shay even joined us for a celebratory brunch (complete with mimosas for a few of us…) after the race. Thank you all so much for being there for me – it meant more than you know!!!

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So now the curse has been lifted, and I am mulling a new goal: Disney Princess Half Marathon in Walt Disney World in February. (If it wasn’t the end of kid’s February vacation, I would definitely do it – but must weigh pros and cons before committing.) In the meantime, I’m going to sign up for a few more 5Ks…

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I haven’t posted in a while for several reasons: We were away; I was sick, including while we were in Florida; it’s been crazy busy at work both before I left and since I got back. But I guess the real reason is I haven’t known what to say. Or I should say, I don’t like what I’ve been feeling and hate being negative.

I’ve been having a really hard time with this anniversary. Last Thursday was one year from the day I found the first lump, and this Wednesday is the anniversary of the diagnosis. And I have just been living with this heavy dread, constantly fighting off tears, and in this just dark place. I hate to be that way. I slept till noon yesterday, and only woke up because Nick kissed my forehead to tell me he had great deli sandwiches in the living room. So I moved to the couch, had a few bites, and vegged back out. The only reason I got up at all was because we had a Running for Rare Diseases fundraiser and I try to never miss those. So I rallied for a few hours, but then went home and crashed again.

I woke up in the same funk. It’s been like living that time over and over – only this time it’s actually been worse, because I know the outcome. Last year I was out drinking and having a merry time with my cousin on St. Patrick’s Day, not thinking that the biopsy would actually come back cancer. This year I moped around the apartment. Let me tell you, the emotional scars are so much worse than the physical ones… I’m dwelling and I despise that. So I’m done. I can’t do this until Wednesday or I’ll go crazy.

So what? So what if it’s the anniversary? So what if it was a hell year? So what if my life is completely different? So what if it will never really be over? What is crying over it actually going to do? Nothing. I have to stop thinking about the past and focus on the future. Or at least start living in the present again. I may not really like everything about my current reality, but at least I’m here. I lived through it. I made it through surgery and chemo and radiation. And I’m recovering. My hair is growing back – strangers no longer see me and know I had cancer. In a few months I can have my implant surgery. Eventually I’ll feel like a normal girl again.

It could be so much worse. I am lucky. I know that. Blessed. And I am thankful, so thankful… Speaking of thankful, thanks to all who joined me in Florida last week – even those I only got to see for a few minutes! Nick, Tara, Kevin, Mike, Steve, Kelli, Hudson, Holden, Shannon, Jack, Julian, Janie, Monique, Dad, Maggie, Mom, Mark, Jake and Kacie (and congratulations on your engagement!!!)… it really was a great, relaxing time. And now I’ve done the requisite celebrating and can move on.

I’m going to do my best this week to stay focused on the future, and leave the past behind me. An anniversary is just another day. It is not happening all over again, so no need to keep reliving every moment over and over again in my head. What’s done is done and I have come a long way from then. No more mourning who I was – time to get back to getting comfortable with and accepting the new me. She’s not that bad, and hey, with a little time and attention, I can make her that much better…

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