I have to pause my regular blog updates to mark a milestone: my son’s 19th birthday. (Don’t worry – I’ll still fill you in on Day 17, but that will be a bit later.) Nick is a huge reason for my being on this road trip. Actually, he’s the reason for nearly every aspect of my life.
I got pregnant when I was 16. I hid it for the longest time and was in such denial that it was happening that I practically hid it from myself. With my closest friends I considered all my options, but never made any moves to do anything about it. In fact, it was someone else who told my mother: when I was six months pregnant she got a card in the mail with a beautiful beach scene on the cover and inside it said in big, red block letters: AMY IS PREGNANT. To this day we don’t know who sent it. But it was the biggest relief because we could then all face it together and my mom gave me the strength and inspiration to become a mother myself.
I gave birth to Nick in September of my senior year of high school. I was scared to death, but the second I held that little boy in my arms I was in love. I have thanked God every single day since for blessing me with Nicholas George. And I have prayed every day that he will be happy and healthy and safe and smart. For all of these years I have had a good deal of control over that, helping him, protecting him, seeing him nearly every day. But now he’s (in the eyes of the law) a grown up. He lives away at college. I am lucky when he returns my texts or calls. And his reliance on me is more emotional – I’m here for him any time he needs me, wants to talk, anything – and, of course, financial. I know he is strong and smart and independant. I am so proud of him, and know he’ll thrive and succeed at anything he puts his mind to, as long as he’s willing to work hard to make it happen. But…
It is so hard letting go. One of the things I wrote in a diary to him when he was born was how he was my new best friend and how happy I was that we had each other and I’d never be alone. I certainly wasn’t thinking about him growing up and moving out! The time passed too quickly, where did these 19 years go??? But I am so thankful for all our special times, our adventures, our time together in London. And I know we’ll still have those – he’s already got me signed up for family vacations with him, Alivia and my future grandchildren (hopefully way in the future) – but I know it will never be just him and me again, and that’s what’s so hard to let go of. And one of the main reasons for this road trip.
As I mentioned at the very beginning of the blog, I do believe this road trip is in part my denial of being left at home, alone. I moved out of my parents house into an apartment with baby Nicky. I’ve never lived alone in my entire life. I’m not even sure what the heck to do with any down time. Add to that no longer having my job (where I was quite the workaholic) or a fiance (broke up when I was in England) and selling my house (so no desire to remodel or redecorate), there didn’t seem to be anything (or anyone) needing me at home.
The road trip is definitely doing it’s job. I have been so on the go nearly every waking minute of the last 17 days that I really haven’t had time to think or realize (or face) all the major changes in my life. But today when the clock struck midnight, the tears started flowing. I called Nick and left him a message, and one on facebook too. Luckily, perfect timing, an old friend called right at that moment and cheered me up.
So yes, I do know that at some point I will have to face all those things, but for now I am thankful I have this road trip so I can face them bit by bit. And I am so very, very thankful for every moment of the last 19 years and for the most wonderful son in the world. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and you, Nick, are the very best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Amy's America 