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Posts Tagged ‘family’

Jitters, AKA scared to death

Posted in Cancer, Denial, Home, tagged , , , , on April 29, 2012| 6 Comments »

I am so thankful I went out with a bunch of friends and family last night because I drank a little too much and slept like a baby. Of course that’s not the ONLY reason I’m glad I went out with them, but it was definitely a bonus. Had I not, I would have not been able to sleep and just laid there making lists in my head, worrying and probably crying. So instead, I’ve woken up refreshed – and jittery!

I am scared to death. I have never been in the hospital for anything other than my son being born, when I was so excited to finally meet and hold him, and an emergency D and C when I was having a really bad miscarriage, and then I was losing so much blood I was practically passed out, so I wasn’t worrying about anything except mourning the loss of the baby I wanted. So I am not used to this anticipation of impending doom. I was starting a depressed/bitchy spiral yesterday afternoon before going out and texted Tara that I felt like Anne Boleyn waiting for her head to get chopped off. She made me laugh with her response (“In three days you’ll be back on your way towards crazy sex and love with a king, though. And she’ll still be dead. :)” How do I argue with that? And my mood began to lift.

I have a ton of errands to do today. Things I need/want to bring to the hospital (long bathrobe, laptop cover before I destroy the new mac) and things I need/want at home (new comforter tops the list), pack for the hospital, make sure everything is in some semblance of order here and hopefully lunch with Tina and the girls. I know I am going to run around to try to keep my nerves at bay. My hands are already literally shaking and my mind (and probably my heart) is racing with a zillion things – what if I forget this, what if I don’t have time for that?!?! As I tell everyone else: Deep breath! It will all be fine. And I know whatever I miss someone else will take care of. I’m so used to doing everything for myself, it’s just hard to think that way… And in a way it’s good to be focused on that stuff because then I’m not thinking about what’s actually happening tomorrow and the longer I don’t think about that, the better, in my opinion. Yup – back to denial and I want to stay there every second I can!

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You’re never too young or too old

Posted in Cancer, family, work, tagged , , , on April 28, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I had a wonderfully relaxing three days in Florida. I got some rest, some sun and a whole lot of love.

I also realized it will be incredibly difficult to detach from work. This may be a surprise to some, but I really thought it was going to be easy to turn the laptop and blackberry off. Yet I worked some of every day I was in Florida and felt bad not being at work for all the events happening, both planned and unplanned. Then when Vanessa said she’s cutting off the work talk from here on out, I felt like she was putting me out in the cold (for my own good, of course). I take comfort in the fact that I will be able to coax stuff out of her along the way (maybe bribe) – and that I do have other sources! David was right, though: this ain’t gonna to be easy.

But it was so nice to have a few days with this part of my family and somewhat away from all the cancer stuff. I spent as much time as I could with my crazy fun nephews, who I hate living so far away from but who are always so excited to see me, even when I’m not with their cool cousin Nick. And it’s amazing how their minds work. You wouldn’t think they would really get what is going on with me, but when they played the lottery Friday (with the fortune cookie numbers that eight-year-old Hudson instantly memorized), Holden said was that if they win he is going to donate all the money to cancer research.  Not what I’d expect from a six-year-old. I didn’t even know he knew cancer needed research!  I guess you can’t underestimate what young ones absorb and take to heart…

I also found that you’re never too old for your dad to teach you something new. We spent a leisurely morning at the beach treasure hunting. I have always been great at finding beach treasures – at least they are treasures to me: shells, rocks, sand dollars, starfish, hermit crabs. But I’ve never found a shark tooth, although I’ve tried. This time, dad taught me how – what to look for (the shape, the gum line), how to tell how old they are (black are the oldest – billions of years, brown – millions of years and white – most recent) and that they are lighter than rocks and shells so you have to grab them before the water sweeps them away. He started finding a bunch (including a big brown one that’s about an inch wide.) Then I started to catch on and finally found my first shark tooth! I soon found a few more and went home with my pink Red Sox baseball cap full of beach treasures. Dad made me take all the shark teeth – except I gave the first one I found to him.

 

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Letting go

Posted in Cancer, work, tagged , , , on April 25, 2012| 2 Comments »

April 24, 2012

Today was my last day at work for a while – hopefully only six weeks or so, but possibly more. It’s not easy letting go. I love my job and the people I work with – they couldn’t be more supportive. And I know I couldn’t be leaving things in better hands – thank goodness Vanessa joined us in January! I do feel guilty leaving her with it all, but I know she’ll kill me for saying that and that it will all be just fine. And I will do as promised and turn my work laptop and blackberry off on Sunday and will not turn it back on until the doctor clears me. I know that, as a work friend/cancer survivor told me Monday, my job will be to get better.

Before Monday’s surgery I am going to visit my Florida/Tennessee parents Dad and Maggie, and my brother Steve, his wife Kelli and my nephews Hudson and Holden. While it’s not quite the trip I had initially envisioned or would prefer, as I’m going alone, that can’t be helped and it’s still important I go. I need to show my family (especially my dad) that I really am fine and will be throughout all of this. I know it’s especially hard for them being so far away. And I get to see my two precious and rambunctious nephews. And hey, who couldn’t use a pre-surgery tan?

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