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Posts Tagged ‘mastectomy’

Jitters, AKA scared to death

Posted in Cancer, Denial, Home, tagged , , , , on April 29, 2012| 6 Comments »

I am so thankful I went out with a bunch of friends and family last night because I drank a little too much and slept like a baby. Of course that’s not the ONLY reason I’m glad I went out with them, but it was definitely a bonus. Had I not, I would have not been able to sleep and just laid there making lists in my head, worrying and probably crying. So instead, I’ve woken up refreshed – and jittery!

I am scared to death. I have never been in the hospital for anything other than my son being born, when I was so excited to finally meet and hold him, and an emergency D and C when I was having a really bad miscarriage, and then I was losing so much blood I was practically passed out, so I wasn’t worrying about anything except mourning the loss of the baby I wanted. So I am not used to this anticipation of impending doom. I was starting a depressed/bitchy spiral yesterday afternoon before going out and texted Tara that I felt like Anne Boleyn waiting for her head to get chopped off. She made me laugh with her response (“In three days you’ll be back on your way towards crazy sex and love with a king, though. And she’ll still be dead. :)” How do I argue with that? And my mood began to lift.

I have a ton of errands to do today. Things I need/want to bring to the hospital (long bathrobe, laptop cover before I destroy the new mac) and things I need/want at home (new comforter tops the list), pack for the hospital, make sure everything is in some semblance of order here and hopefully lunch with Tina and the girls. I know I am going to run around to try to keep my nerves at bay. My hands are already literally shaking and my mind (and probably my heart) is racing with a zillion things – what if I forget this, what if I don’t have time for that?!?! As I tell everyone else: Deep breath! It will all be fine. And I know whatever I miss someone else will take care of. I’m so used to doing everything for myself, it’s just hard to think that way… And in a way it’s good to be focused on that stuff because then I’m not thinking about what’s actually happening tomorrow and the longer I don’t think about that, the better, in my opinion. Yup – back to denial and I want to stay there every second I can!

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Making connections

Posted in Alone, Cancer, connections, Denial, Planning, work, tagged , , , , , on April 25, 2012| 10 Comments »

I have not connected with others who have gone through or are going through the same thing as me. Yesterday a woman I work with came up to me and said that when she was going through cancer the number one thing that helped her was joining a support group. Talking and being with people who really understood because they were facing the same thing.

I am sure she is right. It was definitely reading through breast cancer discussion boards – essentially eavesdropping on other women’s conversations – that helped me make the double mastectomy decision. That, and reading about Christina Applegate (and seeing her fabulous new boobs – can I look just like that please?) and watching Giuliana and Bill, the reality show about E talk show host Giuliana Rancic and her husband Bill (first winner of The Apprentice), who happen to be going through the same thing in this season’s episodes.

But I haven’t actually written anything on any of those boards. And while so many of my friends and family have offered to connect me to people they know who have been through this, I haven’t taken anyone up on it. Yes, I guess I’ve still been holding on to that last bit of denial.

You probably wouldn’t know it by talking to me. At work, so many people know that I’m almost surprised when someone doesn’t. As people have heard just that I’ll be out, they’ve asked where I’m going – somewhere nice? Somewhere tropical? Poor Steve, I just spurted “breast cancer” and shrugged. His eyes widened and mouth dropped, and I felt so bad for saying it that way. “I’m sorry,” I explained, “It’s just become automatic.” So it appears I have faced it and am sailing through, but as a handful know, it’s not necessarily true. I have a lot of dealing to do. And I should probably start by making some of those connections…

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Time for breast cancer 102

Posted in Cancer, Denial, tagged , , , , , on April 25, 2012| 2 Comments »

Written this morning

I’m sitting on the plane, on my way to visit my family in Florida. What is my reading material? Two magazines: Dana Farber’s Paths of Progress and Breast Cancer Wellness. We haven’t even taken off and my eyes start to fill. I never thought this would be me. I don’t want my life to be about cancer. I don’t want to read this stuff. I want to read novels. Or the Steve Jobs biography. Or Shades of Grey, which I now see everywhere since Tina told me everyone is talking about.

Last book I read? Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy.  Don’t get me wrong – it is excellent and I am so thankful Geralyn Lucas wrote it because as far as I’ve come on my journey, so much of what she’s said is right on. We’re very similar and so I can see some of what I’m going to be going through. It isn’t all pretty, but it has a happy ending and I’m determined mine will too. (I highly recommend it for anyone wondering what this is like – or you can watch the lifetime movie based on the book – it’s free on the web site, link above. I haven’t watched it yet but plan to.)

I know I need to read, to study, to learn. At dinner last night Mike asked me if there are certain foods I should be eating now or after surgery. I know there are but I haven’t really looked into it. And he asked about other things like certain types of exercise or specific things I’ll need. I don’t know. I haven’t wanted to deal with it. Surgery is Monday. I guess it’s time to find out.

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