Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘reality’

Baby steps

Posted in Cancer, recovery, tagged , , , , , on May 9, 2012| 8 Comments »

I feel like I’ve been in a waking coma. My eyes have been open, I’ve been talking and somewhat eating, moving between my bed, the couch and the bathroom. The biggest diversions being a trip back to the hospital and a couple of walks down the street escorted by Mike, to get my legs moving and keep me from going stir crazy, and those wore me out for days. I haven’t read a book, heck I haven’t read a magazine article. I’ve only watched two full movies, a big night with my family on the couch. I’ve barely touched my new, light laptop, so hardly no email and no Facebook – just the thought made me tired. And I haven’t been great at returning texts, although that’s what I’ve probably been best about, since they are short.

I was ok with all that – something I never thought I would be. I thought just because my body was going to be laid up, my mind would be racing and fully functioning – boy, was I wrong. Last night it started, though. My mind began to get energy, and to feel cooped up. This morning (and by morning I mean 10ish) it was even more active, urging my body to catch up with it. I turned the laptop on and began writing this. After many breaks (can only look at the screen so long), I’ve written this post. My mind is pleased. While it is just a baby step, I feel quite accomplished, like I’m on the right track.

Read Full Post »

Time to exhale

Posted in Cancer, Discovery, family, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2012| 7 Comments »

I feel like I’m jumping into the middle of the story, without sharing the beginning (the whole last week or so since surgery), but this is the first time I feel up to being on the computer and I feel I need to jump to the punchline: Dr. G just called and told me I’m cancer free! Ever since I woke up from surgery and was told that they had to take all of the lymph nodes in my right arm because they detected some cancer in one of them, I (and all around me) have been holding my breath, waiting to hear if it has spread and if … well, you know. But it turns out that it was only in two of the lymph nodes and so they caught it before it spread and there are clear margins around where the two lumps in my right breast were. Hence, the giant exhale!

So now everyone (including me) is asking: what does this mean for treatment? Dr. G said he is not sure, as he leaves that to my oncologists, who I will see on May 15. They may want to be extra cautious, since I’m ‘so young’ and still do wither chemo or radiation and/or tamoxofin. Oh well – better any of those than more cancer.

I am going to sign off for now – just this bit has made me tired and I need to stay awake for the fabulous celebration meal Nick and Alivia are making me. But I have to say everyone has been beyond incredible to me. Mike has been by my side practically every second, taking care of me (and thus, my mother, too) and constantly reassuring me that no matter what everything will be fine. And he’s been right so far! And mom and Mark and Nick and Alivia have joined him in alternating between keeping me sane and calm, and laughing and crazy. And Tara and Tina helped keep everyone informed, as well as kept us company in the hospital. And I can’t believe all the gorgeous flowers, cards, texts, e-mails etc. Thank you to everyone for all the prayers, love and support. I know it was all of the positive thinking and prayers that scared the damn cancer away! So I couldn’t have done it without you! xoxoxoxo (And I am sorry I haven’t really been up for talking or texting or anything – I’m so achy and the meds make me a bit loopy and tired, but I hope to be back to myself soon and also promise to fill in more of the backstory on here soon…)

Read Full Post »

Jitters, AKA scared to death

Posted in Cancer, Denial, Home, tagged , , , , on April 29, 2012| 6 Comments »

I am so thankful I went out with a bunch of friends and family last night because I drank a little too much and slept like a baby. Of course that’s not the ONLY reason I’m glad I went out with them, but it was definitely a bonus. Had I not, I would have not been able to sleep and just laid there making lists in my head, worrying and probably crying. So instead, I’ve woken up refreshed – and jittery!

I am scared to death. I have never been in the hospital for anything other than my son being born, when I was so excited to finally meet and hold him, and an emergency D and C when I was having a really bad miscarriage, and then I was losing so much blood I was practically passed out, so I wasn’t worrying about anything except mourning the loss of the baby I wanted. So I am not used to this anticipation of impending doom. I was starting a depressed/bitchy spiral yesterday afternoon before going out and texted Tara that I felt like Anne Boleyn waiting for her head to get chopped off. She made me laugh with her response (“In three days you’ll be back on your way towards crazy sex and love with a king, though. And she’ll still be dead. :)” How do I argue with that? And my mood began to lift.

I have a ton of errands to do today. Things I need/want to bring to the hospital (long bathrobe, laptop cover before I destroy the new mac) and things I need/want at home (new comforter tops the list), pack for the hospital, make sure everything is in some semblance of order here and hopefully lunch with Tina and the girls. I know I am going to run around to try to keep my nerves at bay. My hands are already literally shaking and my mind (and probably my heart) is racing with a zillion things – what if I forget this, what if I don’t have time for that?!?! As I tell everyone else: Deep breath! It will all be fine. And I know whatever I miss someone else will take care of. I’m so used to doing everything for myself, it’s just hard to think that way… And in a way it’s good to be focused on that stuff because then I’m not thinking about what’s actually happening tomorrow and the longer I don’t think about that, the better, in my opinion. Yup – back to denial and I want to stay there every second I can!

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »