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A fresh start – almost

Posted in Cancer, connections, Dating, Discovery, family, hair, Home, Planning, radiation, work, tagged , , , , , , , on January 1, 2013| 6 Comments »

It is officially the new year. 2013. I couldn’t be happier to say goodbye to 2012, easily the worst year of my life. But in really looking at it, I don’t think it was necessarily 2012 – I think it may have  been 38. You see, 2012 really seemed more like a continuation of 2011. It just flowed over, so that 2012 was like 2011 Part 2. At work we were in the midst of intense preparation for our planned shutdown all winter, and then personally I was looking forward to an early January first date – so all those things continued from 2011 into 2012, making it kind of one big year.

Then I turned 38 in February – and I thought things would be different. Oh, and different they were! I was starting to see someone whose life is as crazy as mine (recipe for disaster), we spent Valentine’s night in the hospital, and then, of course, in March I found the lump. Pretty much all downhill from there. So that means (to me) 38 was to blame, not 2012.

Don’t get me wrong, 2013 feels incredible – there is a hope in the air that wasn’t there before. An excitement that you can feel. Things will be better! So many people had a bad year – I’ve never seen so many people clamoring for a fresh start – that this is good for everyone! And in one month I will turn 39. I will be done with radiation. I’ll have my left breast re-expanded so I can be even again, and THAT will be my real fresh start!

And 39 is my number, always has been. My birthday is on the 9th, I’ve always liked things in threes, always prefered odd numbers to even, and 1939 was a fabulous year: they made Gone With the Wind AND The Wizard of Oz, two of my favorite movies. I’ve always looked forward to being 39 (strange, I know), and now even more so.

2013/39 is going to be the year of ME. Sounds rather selfish, I know, but I need it. How can I be any good for anyone else if I’m not happy with me? So I’m going to get healthy – in mind, body and spirit. No extreme diets, joining a new gym or setting unrealistic resolutions. Simply getting back to eating better, running and finding a way to get a good night’s sleep. Growing my hair, eyelashes and eye brows. Losing the chemo weight. Of course I have other goals in mind, relating to work, volunteering, travel, relationships – but they really aren’t achievable unless I’m healthy and happy, so that has to come first.

So that is my wish for all of you, my dear friends and family: good health and happiness. Every day is a new opportunity for a fresh start, whether it’s January 1, your birthday, the first of the month or just a Monday – you can seize any day to start over and become the person you want to be. Happy 2013 – make it the year of you!

Silly, spiky hair after my first run of the new year - but at least it's hair!

Silly, spiky hair after my first run of the new year – but at least it’s hair!

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De-ported

Posted in Cancer, family, Home, lymphedema, radiation, recovery, tagged , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2012| Leave a Comment »

When I told Tina that I was having my port removed, she said, “Oh, you’re being deported?” and we both burst into hysterical laughter. I thank God every day for my close friends and family who have kept me smiling and laughing through this miserable journey. I’m choosing to see the removal of the port today as nearing the end, at least the end of the daily part of the treatment. After January 15, other than taking tamoxifen and my PT exercises, there won’t be anything I have to do on a regular basis (unless the damned Lymphedema gets out of control, which I’m not going to let happen, or if the cancer comes back and I’m not even entertaining that thought right now). Then just a few surgeries and a few years of pills – which is nothing in comparison!

Today went well. Mom stayed over so her and Nick got up with me at the crack of dawn (actually, it may have been pre-dawn…) to take me to Dana-Farber so I could be the first person on the radiation table before moving to the OR for the port removal. Both were quick and as easy as could be. We came home and napped, and then I assured mom I was fine and she headed home. After all, I was just hanging on the couch, and am perfectly able to get up and get anything I need – I’m just not supposed to drive or do any heavy lifting.

Of course, after mom left and Nick went to work, I had a few Diet Cokes… and I realized that mom wasn’t just here to help me do things, but to prevent me from doing things! The soda made me jittery and full of energy, so up I hopped, running around the apartment cleaning this, putting that away, sorting these… and then my arm (specifically the wound where the port was taken out) started to ache. Uh oh. Now I’m remembering how they warned me not to do things so I don’t pull the stitches. Ugh. Sorry…

So to get a little more of the energy out without hurting myself more, I sat down to write this. Luckily, Tara is on her way here and we’re going to see a movie. I don’t think I can do much damage there…

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A Christmas Story

Posted in Cancer, family, prayer, tagged , , , on December 25, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Merry Christmas, everyone. I couldn’t be more thankful for all of you, my fabulous friends and family – definitely the best present anyone could wish for. Thank you all for your love, support, prayers, good vibes, positive thoughts, etc, etc! Today I’d like to share a special story from a guest blogger, Cameron Von St. James of the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. Not only is it inspiring for all facing not so great diagnosis’, but is a great example of the incredible blessing of supportive family and friends…

The holiday season of 2005 was to be the best one yet. My wife and I had a three and a half month old daughter, Lily, and we were so excited to plan new traditions for our family our first year as parents. We were thrilled to celebrate our first Christmas as parents with our beautiful little girl. Heather and I talked about all the things we wanted to do with Lily for Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, all of that happiness and joy was taken from us three days before Thanksgiving, when my wife was diagnosed with mesothelioma cancer. I knew enough about this type of cancer to know that our future was not very certain anymore.

I was angry, scared and expecting the worst. I was terrified of losing my wife to cancer and being a widower with a baby. I hoped for the best, but I could not help but think that our future no longer looked as bright as it had in the days before Heather’s diagnosis. Our holiday that year was not a celebration as planned. My wife’s family flew in to visit with us during the holidays, before we had to head to Boston for Heather’s surgery. I dreaded the conversation I knew we would have, and it didn’t disappoint; it was one of the hardest moments of my life.

I spent my holidays sitting around a table listening to my wife and family members discuss our finances, our assets, and our debts. We both worked before Heather was diagnosed, but now with all the travel arrangements and medical bills, we were barely keeping our heads above water. I listened as my family discussed which of our assets we could liquidate for cash and which of our debts my in-laws could help us pay while Heather fought cancer. I was horrified and helpless. My holidays were completely ruined. It took me a very long time before I could see how mistaken I was that day.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was not the terrible conversation I thought it was. My pride got in the way of me realizing that this conversation was not one to highlight my shortcomings, but to show me how much love we really are blessed to have. Our family dropped everything in their own lives to help us in our time of need, were willing to make incredible sacrifices so that we could stay afloat and give Heather the care she needed. This year, I am choosing to be thankful during the holidays for such a wonderful family who is willing to help us so selflessly, and for more time with my beautiful daughter and wife to make more memories and to be a real family.

This year will be our 7th Christmas together since Heather was diagnosed, and despite the typically poor prognosis for mesothelioma, all signs indicate that we will have many more as a family. Heather has beaten the odds, and I hope that our story can be a source of hope and comfort to all those currently fighting cancer this holiday season.

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