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Archive for the ‘recovery’ Category

The Healing Garden

Posted in Alone, Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Discovery, family, lymphedema, prayer, radiation, recovery, tagged , , , on February 5, 2013| Leave a Comment »

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I was called into the Healing Garden at Dana-Farber today. Not literally, but something beckoned me to go through those doors, although I haven’t been since my very first visit to this facility last March. And the second I walked in and felt the peacefulness wash over me, between the lush garden, sweet scent of greenery, subtle lighting and bird musac in the background, the floodgates opened. Clearly I don’t mesh well with relaxing and peacefulness – another thing I need to work on.

I know it was – is, as I’m still sitting here amongst the flowers and the tears writing this blog entry on my iPhone – more than that, though. It is remembering that first time here, how scared and clueless I was about what really lay ahead. It is mourning the person I was before I stepped through these doors. It is the wondering about the different path my life could’ve taken if I hadn’t discovered that lump – and the people that may’ve still been in it – for better or worse. And sitting here, looking through the bamboo branches, out the window at the hospital across the street where we kept vigil for days and then lost my grandfather, in the midst of it all, just 8 months ago. It is the fact that this is the last time I will be here (barring any more lymphedema flair ups) for four whole months. And while that is something to celebrate – as is finally being ‘even’ again after today’s procedure (which really hurts but is worth it) – it is also hard. As change always is, even when it’s for the better.

But I will adjust. I am still struggling to figure out who this post-treatment me is. And I will get there. Maybe I just need a little more time in some healing gardens…

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Wigs Away!

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Dating, Decisions, hair, recovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2013| 6 Comments »

I put my wigs away this weekend. That statement may surprise those of you who see me nearly every day and haven’t seen a wig on my head in months. I made the unconscious decision to stop wearing the wigs long before a real hair started to grow back on my head. And then it was a conscious one, when I was at the really awkward stage with just a few scattered tufts of hair and many bald spots – a defiant, I-don’t-care-what-I-look-like-and-screw-you-if-you-don’t-like-me-for-it kind of attitude (much tougher than I really felt inside). And finally, I didn’t need them as – sighs of relief – the follicles began to sprout faster, and the bald spots filled in. But I couldn’t bring myself to rid my room of the ever-present long (and short) hair perched on my shelf. Until now.

I only once in the last couple of months considered putting one of the wigs back on my head. I was going out for a night on the town and really wanted to flirt. And believe me when I say I have done my research and nothing tops having long hair when you want to attract attention. (Ok, maybe a few things, but that’s not the kind of attention I was looking for!) Men will overlook a lot of other flaws if you have beautiful, long hair. But my pride won out and I went with my own boy-like hair. Yes there was a tad bit of flirting, but I was flung back to reality when the guy was staring at the picture on my phone (he didn’t believe I had a 21-year-old son, so I showed him the picture of Nick with me in the red dress from last January) and he said “Wow, you’re beautiful!” But not looking at the me in front of him, looking at the pre-cancer me (with long, brown hair) from one year ago. Forget strikes one and two – that will count as three and you – are – out!

I had a lot of fun with my wigs in the beginning. They helped me get comfortable with the new me. Made me feel a bit better when I looked in the mirror. Helped me poke fun at the stupid thing called cancer. And I want to donate them to help other women do the same. But just not yet. I did loan a couple of them to a friend who is going through treatments now. But the others, now in a hatbox in my room, are almost a security blanket. I need a step process for this. First, out of sight but accessible. They are there if I need them, if suddenly I wake up, and all my hair is on my pillow, again. Not that it’s likely I’d put one on, even then, but I’d have options. And hopefully in the next few weeks, I will forget they are there. I will be secure that the hair on my head is here to stay. And one day, maybe in a couple of months, I will stumble across them and want the storage space for something else – like barrettes and headbands and elastics for my growing locks. And then I can find someone to pass them on to, who is at the start of her cancer journey and needs those wigs to boost her confidence and mood – to be her security blanket – as I let go.

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Baby Bird Hair

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, connections, family, hair, prayer, radiation, recovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 20, 2013| 4 Comments »

As you know, while this was a big week with my ending radiation, I haven’t been in the mood for celebrating. Nick and I had a nice small dinner out Tuesday with mom and Mark, and are now starting to think about doing more celebrating in February and March (more on this to come…), after I say good-bye to 38. The absolute highlight of my week, though, was exactly what got me through these last 10 months: the amazing outpouring of affection, support and genuine happiness for me from all the people in my life. The hugs, toasts, phone calls, texts, e-mails, blog, Facebook and linked-in messages. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for each and every person in my life, regardless of how long it’s been since I actually saw them. One message from an old friend from high school really struck a chord, and she told me I could share it with you:

Hey Amy,
Congrats on your last day of radiation!! So I have a story that I thought you might like to hear. I was on FB and a picture of you came up in my news feed. My oldest daughter was sitting next to me and saw your picture. She said “Momma, she is pretty and look she has baby bird hair like Tori (my niece) use to. Is she getting better like Tori did, mom?” I told her all about you, how we went to school together, how you have a son named Nick, how you traveled all over the United States and how INCREDIBLY STRONG you are! So back story on “baby bird” hair… when my niece was 15 she was diagnosed with cancer, and went through a year of aggressive chemo treatment. She was a 15 yr. old girl for who losing her hair was a bigger deal than the three tumors that they found in her body. Maddie (my daughter) was young when we found out about the cancer and in the beginning Tori would wear her wig when Maddie was around. She said she didn’t want to scare Maddie and upset her. After about two weeks I asked if Tori would please not wear her wig while Maddie was around. I wanted her to see what Tori looked like and not be afraid of people who look different. We got to my brother’s house one afternoon and Tori was not wearing her wig… Maddie was a little taken back (she was 3 ½) so of course she was a little confused. I had Maddie feel her head and touch her hair, she loved the feeling and said she had “baby bird” hair. We all thought it was funny but we also all got tears in our eyes that this beautiful little girl could make my niece feel like a princess with just one comment like that. Baby bird hair stuck with Maddie and now at 10 years old when we are out or she happens to see someone on TV she makes a comment about how beautiful women/girls look with their baby bird hair. She understands that it is what is inside, not on the outside that matters. She saw your picture, her first thought was how beautiful you are, then after I told her all about you she said… “Momma she is beautiful inside and out!” On your last day of radiation… please know that there is a little girl who may not know you but thinks that you are beautiful and hopes that you beat this disease just like her cousin did. I thought I would share our conversation with you, I know the last year has been a tough one (to say the least). Our conversation made me even more proud of her than I already am. I hope this finds you well and with your spirits high! Always thinking of you and sending prayers your way!
Love, Kim

I read this to my mom when we went to dinner and we both cried our eyes out. Thank you so much, Kim and Maddie! Messages like these have been my lifeline! And I am excited to let anyone who hasn’t seen me lately know that slowly but surely I am progressing past ‘baby bird hair.’ I now have real eye lashes and eye brows, too. I don’t cry when I look in the mirror any more – in fact, I actually smile. When watching a movie with my friend Kevin, he looked over at me and said “You’re not used to your hair yet, are you? You keep playing with it!” And he’s right – I love just feeling that it’s there. It’s also become clear, now that it’s starting to fill in around my forehead, that I will have the same crazy cowlick hairline as before, although I swear I’ll never complain about it again. A bad hair day will beat a no hair day, any day!

amyjan2

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