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A fresh start – almost

Posted in Cancer, connections, Dating, Discovery, family, hair, Home, Planning, radiation, work, tagged , , , , , , , on January 1, 2013| 6 Comments »

It is officially the new year. 2013. I couldn’t be happier to say goodbye to 2012, easily the worst year of my life. But in really looking at it, I don’t think it was necessarily 2012 – I think it may have  been 38. You see, 2012 really seemed more like a continuation of 2011. It just flowed over, so that 2012 was like 2011 Part 2. At work we were in the midst of intense preparation for our planned shutdown all winter, and then personally I was looking forward to an early January first date – so all those things continued from 2011 into 2012, making it kind of one big year.

Then I turned 38 in February – and I thought things would be different. Oh, and different they were! I was starting to see someone whose life is as crazy as mine (recipe for disaster), we spent Valentine’s night in the hospital, and then, of course, in March I found the lump. Pretty much all downhill from there. So that means (to me) 38 was to blame, not 2012.

Don’t get me wrong, 2013 feels incredible – there is a hope in the air that wasn’t there before. An excitement that you can feel. Things will be better! So many people had a bad year – I’ve never seen so many people clamoring for a fresh start – that this is good for everyone! And in one month I will turn 39. I will be done with radiation. I’ll have my left breast re-expanded so I can be even again, and THAT will be my real fresh start!

And 39 is my number, always has been. My birthday is on the 9th, I’ve always liked things in threes, always prefered odd numbers to even, and 1939 was a fabulous year: they made Gone With the Wind AND The Wizard of Oz, two of my favorite movies. I’ve always looked forward to being 39 (strange, I know), and now even more so.

2013/39 is going to be the year of ME. Sounds rather selfish, I know, but I need it. How can I be any good for anyone else if I’m not happy with me? So I’m going to get healthy – in mind, body and spirit. No extreme diets, joining a new gym or setting unrealistic resolutions. Simply getting back to eating better, running and finding a way to get a good night’s sleep. Growing my hair, eyelashes and eye brows. Losing the chemo weight. Of course I have other goals in mind, relating to work, volunteering, travel, relationships – but they really aren’t achievable unless I’m healthy and happy, so that has to come first.

So that is my wish for all of you, my dear friends and family: good health and happiness. Every day is a new opportunity for a fresh start, whether it’s January 1, your birthday, the first of the month or just a Monday – you can seize any day to start over and become the person you want to be. Happy 2013 – make it the year of you!

Silly, spiky hair after my first run of the new year - but at least it's hair!

Silly, spiky hair after my first run of the new year – but at least it’s hair!

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The big L

Posted in Cancer, Fundraising, hair, lymphedema, radiation, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

The big L – that could be so many things, I’m not even going to venture a guess as to what you’re thinking! In my world right now it stands for lymphedema. Did you guess it? It’s not exactly a roll-off-your-tongue every day word, and I personally wish I didn’t know what it meant. But when I realized last night that the phlebitis had traveled into my hand and I held my two arms together, I had the feeling this might be happening. Then at work today my right arm was considerably more swollen than my left, and was confirmed by several of my colleagues. Off to Dana-Farber I went (hey, I had to be there for radiation anyway, so why not?) and it was confirmed: yup, lucky me, I can add lymphedema to the list!

It is early, so hopefully it will be contained. Without going into a ton of detail, I need to:

  • Wear my compression sleeve and glove during waking hours. Good thing I got it for the plane! Guess it’s not just for travel any more…
  • Keep doing the lymphatic massage that I learned last week at PT, as well as the exercises. Of course, this would be easier with a partner, but since I’m not with someone right now, it’s all me!
  • Ibuprofen – thank goodness I’m done with chemo and can have it again!
  • Warm compress

None of this is convenient or fun – especially this time of year when things are crazy enough. But it is what it is and I will deal with it and hopefully prevent it from getting worse. That’s kind of the name of the game right now – just deal with it. The daily trips to Dana-Farber for radiation – just deal with it. Taking the Tamoxifen (which I started Saturday) – just deal with it. The hot flashes – just deal with it. At least my hair is starting to grow back…

Oh! Speaking of hair, I got the sweetest compliment at work the other day: this older gentleman, who I have seen around but don’t really know, came up to me in the cafeteria and said, “I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but I have to tell you. I’ve always thought you were an attractive woman, but now that you’re bald, it’s obvious that it’s not hair that makes you attractive.” It was so nice of him, I really appreciated hearing that, especially so randomly.

Now speaking of random (or not so random) acts of kindness: I know I said I was done soliciting donations for Dana-Farber, but this is too good not to share. If you haven’t finished your shopping, consider giving the gift of a donation in someone’s honor. Now until December 31 you can use this special link www.dana-farber.org/yearend and your gift will be doubled! It only works through this link, and only until the end of the year, so don’t wait! And I guarantee anyone you give this gift to will truly appreciate it… I know all of us who frequent Dana-Farber thank you!!!

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Back to (Radiation) Reality

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Denial, hair, radiation, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2012| Leave a Comment »

For about two weeks life was almost normal – no treatments (just visits to the hospital), work five days a week, some of the chemo side effects fading and my hair (slowly) growing back. I felt myself slipping back into the good old denial and fooling myself that cancer doesn’t exist in my life. But starting tomorrow, it’s a new reality: radiation.

Just like with the chemo, it’s been a bit of a crash course in radiation. I admit I haven’t exactly been paying as much attention as perhaps I should have (part of the denial thing), but now I’m cramming. The folks in Radiation Oncology at Dana-Farber are – like everyone I’ve encountered at Dana-Farber and Brigham and Women’s – great. They talk and walk you through it all so even those of us who aren’t too medically inclined have a clue what’s happening. I had the mapping session where they figured out the treatment field (on me) and gave me six tiny tattoos to help them correctly position me at each appointment. Then on Friday I had the dry run, where they took x-rays to make sure they got the mapping right, and walked me through what will happen for each of my next 25 visits.

Radiation Therapy (From the Breast Radiation Guidelines sheet from Dana-Farber): Radiation therapy is a painless treatment, similar to an x-ray. It uses high-energy x-rays to damage the DNA of cancer cells so that they are unable to repair themselves. Radiation also affects normal, healthy cells. Unlike cancer cells, normal cells are able to recover from radiation damage.

So starting tomorrow, Monday-Friday for 25 days (except Christmas and New Year’s Day) I’ll end my work day by running over to Dana-Farber for radiation. Several friends have given me tips on getting through it, and I am hoping to sail through. Then reinflation, a few months of rest, surgery for the implants, nipples, more tattooing, and then…

Tamoxifen. You may have heard the news last week: the results of a big study were just revealed and it determined that 10 years of tamoxifen is better for life expectancy than five years. Of course. That’s just my luck – just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse! So frustrating…

But at the check-up with my oncologist Friday (well, substitute oncologist, as mine just had a baby – her first, yay!), she said that I shouldn’t worry too much about it right now. A lot happens in the medical field in five years, and by the time my five are up, who knows what the recommendation will be. With my luck it will be to take it forever, but whatever. We’ll see.

There is some good news. I get to have the port taken out of my arm soon, which will be wonderful. And the best news of all: I ran today. Well, that was preceded by some not great news. I asked the oncologist when the numbness and tingling in my feet, legs and fingers will stop and she said it could be six months, a year or even never (although that’s rare). I had been waiting for my feet at least to be normal before getting back to running, since I’m such a klutz anyway. But there’s no way I’m waiting that long – I can’t stand being this out of shape, and want my clothes to fit right again. So this morning I went for my first run in practically forever.

I actually cried (happy tears of course) as I walked into the cool air in my running gear. It felt so good to get back out there! Of course, that only lasted a short time. It was like I’ve never run before. I was only doing 1:1 intervals and I was hurting by the time I hit a mile. I only did one more because I had a pain in my side and felt like I was going to throw up. (So pathetic how out of shape I am…) But I was proud I didn’t fall and two miles is better than none. It’s a start.

And tomorrow – uh, today, as I just realized it’s after midnight – is another start. Radiation. And it will be fine. I got through chemo just fine and I can get through this.

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