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Posts Tagged ‘reality’

Making connections

Posted in Alone, Cancer, connections, Denial, Planning, work, tagged , , , , , on April 25, 2012| 10 Comments »

I have not connected with others who have gone through or are going through the same thing as me. Yesterday a woman I work with came up to me and said that when she was going through cancer the number one thing that helped her was joining a support group. Talking and being with people who really understood because they were facing the same thing.

I am sure she is right. It was definitely reading through breast cancer discussion boards – essentially eavesdropping on other women’s conversations – that helped me make the double mastectomy decision. That, and reading about Christina Applegate (and seeing her fabulous new boobs – can I look just like that please?) and watching Giuliana and Bill, the reality show about E talk show host Giuliana Rancic and her husband Bill (first winner of The Apprentice), who happen to be going through the same thing in this season’s episodes.

But I haven’t actually written anything on any of those boards. And while so many of my friends and family have offered to connect me to people they know who have been through this, I haven’t taken anyone up on it. Yes, I guess I’ve still been holding on to that last bit of denial.

You probably wouldn’t know it by talking to me. At work, so many people know that I’m almost surprised when someone doesn’t. As people have heard just that I’ll be out, they’ve asked where I’m going – somewhere nice? Somewhere tropical? Poor Steve, I just spurted “breast cancer” and shrugged. His eyes widened and mouth dropped, and I felt so bad for saying it that way. “I’m sorry,” I explained, “It’s just become automatic.” So it appears I have faced it and am sailing through, but as a handful know, it’s not necessarily true. I have a lot of dealing to do. And I should probably start by making some of those connections…

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Time for breast cancer 102

Posted in Cancer, Denial, tagged , , , , , on April 25, 2012| 2 Comments »

Written this morning

I’m sitting on the plane, on my way to visit my family in Florida. What is my reading material? Two magazines: Dana Farber’s Paths of Progress and Breast Cancer Wellness. We haven’t even taken off and my eyes start to fill. I never thought this would be me. I don’t want my life to be about cancer. I don’t want to read this stuff. I want to read novels. Or the Steve Jobs biography. Or Shades of Grey, which I now see everywhere since Tina told me everyone is talking about.

Last book I read? Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy.  Don’t get me wrong – it is excellent and I am so thankful Geralyn Lucas wrote it because as far as I’ve come on my journey, so much of what she’s said is right on. We’re very similar and so I can see some of what I’m going to be going through. It isn’t all pretty, but it has a happy ending and I’m determined mine will too. (I highly recommend it for anyone wondering what this is like – or you can watch the lifetime movie based on the book – it’s free on the web site, link above. I haven’t watched it yet but plan to.)

I know I need to read, to study, to learn. At dinner last night Mike asked me if there are certain foods I should be eating now or after surgery. I know there are but I haven’t really looked into it. And he asked about other things like certain types of exercise or specific things I’ll need. I don’t know. I haven’t wanted to deal with it. Surgery is Monday. I guess it’s time to find out.

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The results are in…

Posted in Cancer, Decisions, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , on April 17, 2012| 13 Comments »

I should be happy. I should be elated. I should feel better. I got the results of the BRCA genetic test today and it’s negative – no mutations were detected. So I won’t be passing it on to my future granddaughter or nieces, which is the one part I AM overjoyed and infinitely thankful for. And of course I’m glad there’s not the likelihood of ovarian cancer, so I can keep my ovaries. So why am I not jumping for joy?

Because it means I have another damn decision to make. If the genetic test was positive, it would’ve been a double, plain and simple. The decision would be made. And early on I thought it was clear that if it was negative it would be a single. But then I went and spoke to people and read a ton, both discussion boards and other research, and so many people (including doctors and those who’ve been through it) recommend doing both anyway.

Their reasoning? Those who do just one have to be tested every six months. And they go through the worry all over again each time. And put their loved ones through it all over again. And then when there is something detected, it’s more biopsies and pain and stress. And God forbid it does appear in the other breast – it’s everything you’ve just been through repeated. This is not fun and not something I want to do again. And there are the cosmetic reasons too: doing both at once is easier to match and feel better about yourself in that way.

Why do some only do one? Less invasive – avoiding doing a possibly unnecessary surgery. Less pain and recovery time. To keep one natural breast, so you retain the feeling and the opportunity to breast feed if a baby is in your future.

So I don’t know. I’m so sick of options when there isn’t a clear one and none are good. Again, I hate all the options, and again, doing nothing isn’t one of them. Tomorrow is my pre-op so I will talk to my surgeon and see what he thinks. And I’ll also look into things more with my insurance. And I will make a decision. Because I have to.

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