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Posts Tagged ‘reconstruction’

Learning to Proceed With Caution – Cautious Optimism

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, Discovery, family, hair, Planning, prayer, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2012| 4 Comments »

I think you probably know by now that I am an optimist, right? The glass is always half full, there is a reason behind everything, you can choose to be happy and make it happen, it will all work out in the end (somehow). Yes, like everyone else I hit road blocks, get frustrated, procrastinate and even whine (although I hate it) sometimes – and often this blog is where I let it out. It’s the optimist in me, though, that keeps me pushing and determined to just plow through anything (like, uh, cancer) that gets in my way. Why am I saying this? Because I know sometimes I am so determined and driven, that I can be blind to other things that I should take into consideration…

Today was week 3 of 12 weeks of Taxol, the second round of chemo. 25% there as Tara reminded me via text this morning. It went well. I remembered to take all my pre-meds (don’t ever intend to forget those again), they cut the benedryl in half, skipped some of the other onsite premeds, and I didn’t have any reaction during the Taxol. Tina and mom kept me laughing and we visited with someone from Dana-Farber working on a possible news pitch, so it went by really fast.

Then it was off to my final expansion. I’m as big as I will get – in fact, I will be a bit smaller when all is said and done because they make you go a bit bigger with the tissue expanders so that the skin will then relax naturally around the implants, which will be a bit smaller. So that surgery will be on January 2 – figure I will start the new year right: no more chemo, get on with the reconstruction and putting the horrors of this year behind me.

While I did crash for a few hours this afternoon, I am feeling much better. Yes, I am starting to feel some aches and pains and the fatigue, both of which they say will continue to increase each week, but for now all is really good. This drug is so much easier to recover from than the other two – and thank God no real nausea! Even my hair appears to be starting to grow – it’s a centimeter now! 🙂 Hopefully that will keep going and not start falling out again – we will see for sure in about two more weeks. But I have to keep in mind some other things, that aren’t so visible. Like the fact that because I am being treated every week, my blood counts will be down until December, so I need to be very careful. And I’ve been lucky so far with my nails, in that I still have them all but they are getting a bit discolored and hurting a bit, so have to go easy with them so they don’t fall off. Above all, I have to make myself go a bit easier and not push myself as much and as hard as when I was fine…

And that just isn’t easy. I want to stay late at work. I want to go out after work, whether it is for a run, meeting friends or on a date or dinner with Nick. I want to stay up late reading or writing or whatever. I want to run or at least walk the Newport half marathon that I signed up for in February before my diagnosis in March. I just have to remind myself sometimes I shouldn’t do ALL of those things ALL the time. I’ve always been one to burn the candle at both ends. Mom even wrote on the cover of my science book freshman year “all animals need some form of rest or they will die” or something like that – and because I ignored her, shortly after I got mono from sheer exhaustion and spent the next month sick in bed. (Listen to your mother, folks.)

So while I want to do so many things and act normal and not miss a thing, I need to constantly remind myself it’s a balancing act, and I am so sick of being sick, that I don’t want to do anything to elongate it. If I get a fever, I will land in the hospital. If I am sick, they will postpone chemo. And that means I will not be celebrating on Nov. 20. And depending how long I am sick, will be how long this damn thing drags out. And I DO NOT want chemo in 2013. 2013 is going to be MY YEAR and I don;’t want to share it with cancer. I want to be done.

So I will proceed with cautious optimism. I will do what I feel I can, I may push the limits some, but I will try to be smart about it. And I will try to listen to what my body (and my mother) tell me, unlike when I was 14…

I saw this on Facebook and just loved it – all good things to learn and remember…

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Vacation

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, Dating, Decisions, Denial, Dreams, family, hair, Home, prayer, recovery, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on July 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

This was more than just a vacation from work. I thought of it as much as a vacation from cancer as from anything else. I figured since it was my good week – the one just before my next (third) round – and when I wouldn’t have to be taking any meds, I could just forget I was sick for a little while (once a procrastinator, always a procrastinator). But you know that didn’t happen.

A bit of background: we are down the Cape for one week, with about 25 different family members from all sides, staying at three different houses all on the same street we’ve vacationed on every summer since I can remember. Family of all ages has come from Florida, West Virginia and all over Massachusetts. It’s great, like the Waltons or the Brady Bunch. I love it!

So I thought I could pretend all was normal and just feel good and enjoy not being at work AND not being sick. But as soon as I got here, the little reminders started sprouting up. Like others seeing me bald for the first time. And the kids wanting to see my wigs. And having to wear more sunscreen than I’m used to – and being somewhat cautious with the sun in general. (No, I didn’t want a burnt head!)

The biggest, and most difficult for me (and my mother, who was cognizant of it even before I was), was the fatigue setting in. At first I attributed it to the sea air and the sun. But no, it’s the cancer/chemo. Having to take naps and go to bed earlier than normal (although I suppose most don’t see 11 as early), and sleeping in later than most, and later than normal for me. And the hardest of all: getting winded after just a short time running. I can still do the three mile intervals, but am winded through most of it. It’s not a breeze like it used to be – and I hate that! I had wanted to work up to more again, but I think that’s going to have to  wait until after chemo is done.

So I’ve accepted the fatigue and being bald. It doesn’t mean I have to like it, but I will not fight it. And we’ve been having fun with my bald head – Nick even shaved the stubble for me the other day, with all our family sitting around us and chiming in with tips, like a barber shop. And I’m starting to try out the wigs on short shopping trips or out to dinner, just for fun.

Some people have gotten pretty used to me being bald. Nick’s even said he likes it now. I still have a hard time looking in the mirror, but otherwise am fine with it. Others, I know, will never get used to it or even be able to really look at me. Not just because I’m bald, but they can’t handle seeing me sick. It’s hard, I know. But I also know that if they can’t get past the outside and be there for me through this, maybe they never really loved me in the first place and we’re both better off. I guess it’s another side effect of the cancer, right? I tried to take a vacation from it, but it seems there’s no escaping it …

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Running

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, family, hair, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012| 1 Comment »

I just ran four miles along the Charles. It felt soooooooo good!!! It was my first time running in forever – since just before surgery, which was almost eight weeks ago.  And when I say running, it was back to my very beginning – walk/run intervals of one minute each the entire time. It was also the first time running that I didn’t have to pull my hair back in a pony tail, which kind of hurt, but at least it is easier – no hair in my face! 

As I got ready to go for my run, I had a mini-heart attack thinking my iPod was  also in my stolen backpack, but thank goodness it wasn’t – and that my running shoes weren’t either! There are certain things I HAVE to have with me to be happy and comfortable on my runs:

  • My iPod – can’t run without music
  • My GymBoss – interval timer – best little thing in the world. So simple, it clips on, you can set for any intervals and it doesn’t interfere with your music or phone – only $20 at www.gymboss.com
  • My phone set on MapMyRun so it calculates everything from where I am to how far I’ve run, what my average pace is, current pace, etc. (and for safety and occasional texting)
  • Water – duh, must stay hydrated
  • Chapstick if I can find somewhere to put it
  • Sunglasses or a hat
  • My keys (kind of important to get back in the house) 

I know – who AM I??? Running and I have always had a love/hate relationship. For the first 37 years of my life it was mainly hate. I was never really athletic – was always the overweight young girl (kids called me thunder thighs in fifth grade) and never lost that feeling of being chubby, even when I wasn’t any more – still look in the mirror and just see a fat face. And when we had to run a mile in school, I was always amongst the slowest and wheezing away – long before I had asthma.

But I saw how incredible  Tara looked as she ran (and did pilates and ate right) off 60 pounds in the last couple years and I thought it might just be a necessary evil to try.  And I had been supporting our Boston Marathon Running Team at work and have great role models in Phil, Matt, Kai, Andrew, Steph and others who made it actually look fun.

So in the fall I tried it, starting with a Couch to 5k program recommended by my boss who had recently started running, too. I soon abandoned that for my GymBoss, though as  I wanted to do it at my own pace. It wasn’t easy, but it did make me feel better and I fairly quickly started dropping the pounds – and the dress sizes. Overall, it was more than 20 pounds and about four dress sizes. And that was with hardly watching what I ate at all – just running intervals (usually 3 or 4 minutes run to 1 minute walk for 3-5 miles, 3 or 4 times  a week).  

That was one of my frustrations about this damned disease – that I would have to stop running for a while and I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to really get back into it again – since it took me 37 years the first time! But I’ve actually been chomping at the bit – especially since I heard I had to have chemo and the steroids would make me put on weight, and since I found I still love food, even when it tastes bad during chemo (figures, huh?). I do not want to be fat again. It’s going to be bad enough being bald and pimply (also thanks to the steroids) and not being able to get a good tan. Never mind not having real boobs – I have to do something!!!

So I must run whenever I am feeling up to it. Tara practically glowed when I announced to my wig party friends that Dr. H had given me the ok to start running again. “I never thought I’d hear you say that and sound so excited!” (And Tina and Vanessa just smirked and shook their heads. 😉 ) Actually, it was the very first thing I asked him when he walked in the room and I was so excited I barely noticed the huge expansion syringes.

But boy do I feel the expansions now! As soon as I started the first ‘run’ interval and put my arms in the running motion, it hurt! Especially my right side. But while the pain did stay through the entire run, it actually eased a bit; it didn’t get worse. So maybe the running will help that, too. My feet also hurt a bit at the beginning, but felt better after the first mile or so. It’s funny the things you don’t think about, though – like how it isn’t even easy to do the same pre- and post-run stretches that I did before surgery. I must remember to keep doing my PT exercises – between those and running, eventually my body will be back to normal! (Ok, maybe I’ll need to learn to eat a little better, too – so many things to work on!)

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