As I sat down in my reconstructive surgeon’s waiting room at Brigham and Women’s this afternoon for the first time in months, I had this strange surge of emotion. My mind immediately jumped back to May when I was sitting in the very same seat, furiously texting with the guy I was seeing. I remember fighting back tears as I typed, so depressed because everyone else in the waiting room was holding the hand of a significant other except me – and part of me blamed him for not being there even though I didn’t even tell him I had the appointment that day. I knew that didn’t make sense, but not much made sense at that time.
Sitting there today, I thought of how far I’ve come. Today I breezed in there smiling, confidently bald (can I still call it that with the baby hair on my head?), rushing straight from work; in stark contrast to months ago when I slowly trudged down the hospital hall in sweats and no makeup, feeling like all the life had been sucked out of me – and unable to see beyond the devastating moment.
While I don’t love my current situation, I accept it. While I don’t like being bald, I can handle it. And while it would be great to have some incredible guy by my side, I would rather be alone than with the wrong one, or one who doesn’t want to be here.
I’ve even come to terms with radiation. Today was the first step: partially deflating my left breast so it doesn’t get in the way during radiation. I talked through things with Dr. H and he assured me that while this will be longer, it’s the right order and he will do everything he can when it’s his turn. I felt better when I left – although it’s hard getting used to one smooshy breast (like those squishy gel toys) and one that’s hard as a rock! February can’t come soon enough – that’s when I’ll visit Dr. H again and get reinflated. And hopefully I will be able to schedule the surgery then, too, depending how I did through radiation – which I am determined will go well.
For at least the moment, my overwhelmingly positive and determined attitude has returned. I started today practically giddy (I even warned several people). Why? Because today is Tuesday and for the first time in months, I got to go to work! (AKA – No more chemo!) And not only did I get to go to work, but I started the day welcoming people at New Hire Orientation, which I always find invigorating. So by the time I was back in my office, I was raring to go! If only I could bottle that feeling…
I couldn’t let today go by without mentioning Giving Tuesday. Unlike Black Friday and Cyber Monday, this is a day to use your money to make a real difference. It doesn’t have to be today – I know, it is quite late – but can be any day of the year. In fact, I will once again be purchasing most of my Christmas gifts online here:
- Dana-Farber – Our Giving Catalog is full of gifts that benefit adult and pediatric patients and advance Dana-Farber’s lifesaving mission. Gifts range from supporting clinical trials to stocking our toy closet.
After making your selection and donation, you can either send someone an e-card or print cards to give as gifts. I think people will appreciate it as much this year as they did last. I know it’s certainly more personal to me this year, and there’s no present I’d rather than this.