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I feel good

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, hair, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012| 5 Comments »

For the first time in what seems like forever, I woke up yesterday feeling good. With a clear head, feeling hardly any pain (just expansion ones), I actually felt like me. I had energy, I felt like I actually could concentrate and get things done at work, and I forgot about being sick for a little while. It’s only when I catch my reflection in glass that I’m reminded.

I’m excited. I know this is for a limited time, but I am counting on feeling this way until round two starts on July 3. And I am going to cherish every minute. I am so thankful – it means I can really pack and run and work and just be me for the next week and a half!

Tonight I met some old friends from National Grid for dinner. It was so good to catch up with them and enjoy food without being nauseous and have a drink without being concerned about medications and to stay out past 9 p.m. without being exhausted. I even elected to walk home because it was such a beautiful night in the city and I wanted to enjoy every second of this good feeling. And then out of the blue, halfway down Newbury St., a cute young guy stopped me and gave me a flower. I started to say no thank you and then changed my mind and graciously accepted it. Why not? We both smiled and wished each other a good night. A really nice ending to my day – and a sign of good days ahead!

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It’s only hair…

Posted in Alone, Boston, Cancer, Dating, Decisions, Denial, family, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 30, 2012| 16 Comments »

I cried a lot today. I guess a lot of things hit home. Now that we’re not at the hospital every day with Grampa, and the planning and service is over, I have been alone for the first time practically since before the surgery. I began getting somewhat back to normal during the weeks with family at Grampa’s bedside. I weaned myself off the painkillers and naps. I began physical therapy. I started walking more and more. Much of my strength has returned, now it’s working on endurance and regaining full range of motion in both arms. And so I got everyone to agree I can return to work next week – I can’t wait!

On the top of my to-do list is dealing with the issue most nagging me: my hair. From the moment I heard I had to have chemo, I knew I would cut it all off before it began to fall out. I said I’d have fun with it. Try something I hadn’t done before. I was gung-ho. Let’s do it! Then the day – today – arrived. And I wasn’t quite so eager…

Luckily, my favorite hairdresser is my friend Leane. She’s given me my best haircuts ever. And she was so sweet when she heard I was doing this and said she would be honored to cut it, under the condition that I not pay her. An incredible gift! So I knew I would be in good hands. And timing-wise, I wanted to do it both before Alivia left for London (tomorrow) and before my parents went back to Tennessee (Thursday). And before I started back to work.

But when we finally confirmed a time early this afternoon, I burst into tears. (Of course I was in a public place – Brigham and Women’s for PT – surrounded by strangers. Thank goodness for large, dark sunglasses!) I was so angry and sad! WTF?!?! First I lose my boobs and now my hair??? How unfair is that??? I finally, for practically the first time in my life, actually like my hair – not a normal thing for a woman. I waited a long time for this hair. I almost had it to where I liked it in November 2010 when I got a call for an interview at Genzyme. The career adviser I was consulting with told me I HAD to cut my hair short. That I looked much too young and no one would believe I was as experienced or trust me without a more polished, short ‘do. So I listened to her and had my hair cut at an expensive salon in Atlanta (where I currently was on my road trip). And I hated it! I did get the job, but I have the feeling I would’ve still been hired had my hair remained long.

Now a year and a half later, my hair is just the right length, with layers and body (and yes, a few more greys). And now I’m going to go bald. F@*$! Yes, I acted nonchalant, searching through magazines, asking other’s opinions, talking a good game. Really, I was stifling the screaming girl inside. And she busted out today.

I DON’T WANT MY HAIR SHORT!!! I DON’T WANT TO BE BALD!!!

Proven fact: Men prefer women with long hair. Oh, and boobs. I think in this case, two strikes means you’re out. What guy would want to be with a bald, boob-less woman???

But yet again, I don’t have a choice, do I?

I know psychologically I won’t be able to handle seeing my long strands falling out. And I don’t want to be one of those people who clings to her hair and attempts to comb over bald spots. So off it needed to come. And tonight it did.

I cried most of the drive to Tara’s house, where Leane was to cut it. Tina and Nicole (Tara’s friend from high school – not to be confused with my Nicole from high school) joined for moral support. We looked at a few hair styles and Leane asked which I preferred. “My hair. Long hair,” I whined. “Oh, I know honey…” all my friends chimed in with soothing voices. That made me realize I was acting like a child and had to just suck it up and do it. I took a deep breath and told her to do what she thought was best and chop it off. And she did.

And I love it. I really do. I knew she was the best woman for the job – thank you Leane! If I can’t have my long hair, this is the absolute best I could have in the interim. And best of all, I had exactly 10 inches cut off: the minimum amount needed to donate to Locks of Love. So my hair will be used to make a wig for a disadvantaged child who needs one. That’s way more important than being on my head!

So now it’s time to start looking at hats and wigs because in about a month, all this short hair will be gone, too. But I think I’ll go back to my denial and forget that for a few days and just enjoy my new ‘do…

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Peace and progress

Posted in Boston, Cancer, connections, family, Home, prayer, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Grampa is at peace. We lost him the other night, which was absolutely what was best for him, given the circumstances. It’s a small comfort to those of us left behind, as we would prefer to cling to him here, but that’s not fair, either. So we let his body go and all keep with us the pieces of the man who helped mold each of us in different ways. For me, I will always remember the grandfather who bounced me on his knee chanting about the duckies; introduced me to my love of theater; was my first minister; spanked me, my older brother and cousins when we got into mischief; took me to the top of Mount Washington; and welcomed us at the Cape. He furrowed his brow as much as smiled, and we loved and will miss both.

I apologize to all those who’ve commented on how silent I’ve been lately. It’s really been an overwhelming two weeks – in a totally different way than the preceding ones. From Mother’s Day when Grampa had his stroke, we’ve spent at least part of every day at the hospital, luckily surrounded by family. Tara rightly pointed out that one small silver lining was the timing of all this, in that at least with this happening during this point of my recovery, I was able to be there for him and my family, which certainly helped me. (None of us ever thought we would – or wanted to – know the Longwood district and all the hospitals so well. But we’re constantly thankful to be in Boston with some of the best hospitals in the world!) Now it’s planning and preparation for his service this weekend (details here). I’m doing a write-up on him for the funeral home’s web site, but struggling: it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever written. And I am beyond touched that Ginny and the rest of the family decided to direct people to donate to Dana-Farber for breast cancer research in lieu of flowers.

At the same time as all of this was happening, I also was running across the street from Beth Israel to Dana-Farber and Brigham and Women’s for my appointments. I had my first physical therapy (PT) appointment, which both felt like progress and hurt. I’ll continue PT twice a week for the next few weeks, in addition to my exercises at home. Also in the hurting category: I had my first tissue expansion injections with the reconstructive surgeon. The four giant syringes intimidated me at first (uh, do I really want boobs that bad???), but the process was fine, not nearly as bad as I expected. (I closed my eyes, although my mom was brave and watched.) Mom warned me not to get too excited about not hurting, as they gave me numbing stuff first. And boy was she right! I am still in pain that almost rivals the original surgery – no wonder he’s spacing these injections out to every four weeks! The highlight for me (in addition to now having slightly larger mounds where my breasts used to be) is that I am tentatively cleared to go back to work on Monday, June 4 – I really can’t wait. I will just need to take time off as necessary for all the appointments/additional surgeries and for when (if – as I am still dreaming I won’t be) I am sick from the chemo, which will now begin on June 12.

Also this week, my Dad and Maggie surprised me by driving up from Tennessee (where they went after I left them in Florida). My father was close to my grandfather and wanted to be here for him, as well as for me with all of this fun cancer stuff, and to help my 100-year-old Nana with things around her house, now that she is (momentarily) willing to accept a bit of help – boy do I know where my stubbornness comes from! (As well as some of the strong, independent woman DNA, although I am lucky to have that on all sides of my family!) It is comforting to have them here – and simply always good to see them, as it was when my brothers were both here last week.

This has definitely all been a reminder on the importance of family – including your closest friends who you consider family. Nothing is more important than spending time with the ones you love. You may not always see eye-to-eye, you may have knock-down, drag-out fights, you may not always be able to stand each other. But when it matters, you’re there for each other. And hopefully in the days in between you spend time together. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you’re together. Some of Nick and my favorite times were sitting on the deck at the Cape, simply talking with Grampa and Ginny and whatever aunts, uncles, cousins were around. Those are moments we will always treasure, and wouldn’t trade for the world. We love you Grampa , and miss you so already.

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