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Archive for the ‘Decisions’ Category

It’s happening.

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Discovery, hair, Planning, tagged , , , , , , on June 27, 2012| 17 Comments »

It’s happening and it sucks. I woke up this morning and when I finally fully opened my eyes in front of the bathroom mirror I saw that strands of my short brown hair covered the white t-shirt I slept in. Then I got in the shower and it was just like after you get a haircut and you have to wash off the little hairs. Only a zillion times worse ’cause it wouldn’t stop. Every time I touched my head my hand would be covered in hair. I finally gave up, turned off the shower and cleaned the very clogged drain. Who would’ve thought short hairs could make such a big pile?

So I had to pick out clothes that hopefully will camouflage hairs that fall out on them while at work today, and tonight I will shave my head- or I should say, have my head shaved. I don’t want to, but once again I’m forced to choose the better of two evils. Keep fighting the inevitable and have to handle the annoyance and embarrassment of my hair steadily falling out or just rip the band aid off quickly. Better to get it over with and start wearing hats and wigs… ugh.

p.s. sorry to those who tried to read this earlier – I posted it via my phone on the way to work and must have that default to password protected…

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The mental side of running

Posted in Alone, Boston, Cancer, connections, Decisions, family, tagged , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Running isn’t just good for me (and you) physically, it helps mentally, too. Phil always told me that when he has something big to think about, he goes for a run. And he’s right. Even with my music blaring in one ear (I never put both ear pods in – learned that in self-defence class – always stay aware of your surroundings), I can think more clearly and better concentrate on a run. This first run I thought about a million things, but the one that really stands out is my upcoming meeting Thursday morning at Dana-Farber.

I received a letter the other day from the Development office at Dana-Farber, wanting to thank me for my significant donation in December and to find out why I made it – what my story is. And boy, will they get a different story than they probably expect – it’s certainly evolved since I wrote that check! So as I ran, I began to think about what I will tell them.

And halfway across the Harvard Bridge (amongst the ‘Smoots’), I began to cry. I cried as I ran (thank goodness, once again, for sunglasses) and thought about telling them how devastated I’d been in mid-December when my dear school friend Sarah found out that her 10-month-old daughter has cancer – a neuroblastoma in her lower pelvic area and a nodule in her lung. It was so unfair!!!  I thought about the other people close to me who’ve been hit so hard by cancer, like my friend Kristen who lost her brother Greg after his long, brave fight with the disease. And it being close to Christmas, I thought how no one really needs anything more than health and decided to make that donation to Dana-Farber in honor of Mirany and everyone impacted by cancer. I printed out the donation cards from the website and give those to people instead of other gifts for Christmas. And then March came… I cried some more, just thinking about how I’ve gotten to know Dana-Farber more than I ever wanted to.

I am happy to share my story with them (heck, I can just give them this blog address!), my heart just breaks for Sarah, Scott and Mirany’s lives, my life, my family and friends going through this with me, all of us, and wish in this one way we were all where we were last November: blissfully ignorant of this damn thing called cancer.

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Wig party

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Denial, family, hair, Planning, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 19, 2012| 6 Comments »

Today definitely got better than my early morning and T ride to work, which is when I wrote that last post. Many of my closest friends and family joined me at my afternoon wig fitting at Dana-Farber. A picture tells a thousand words, right? So I posted a slideshow below of pictures Tina took during the fitting. Yes, it was hard (teared up at one point, but held strong – and thank you, V, for telling me you’re proud of me – way to make me teary again!), but they all kept me smiling and laughing. Hard not to, with some of those wig choices! I was at times:

  • Kim Kardashian
  • Snooki
  • A retired high school secretary
  • Alivia (we took a pic of me and Nick with another camera, Livy – we’ll send it to you!)
  • Jennifer Garner in Alias
  • A Russian spy
  • Me in 8th grade

I’m sure I’m missing some, but you get the idea. It was fun. And I picked one. And it’s perfectly nice. But it’s not me. I never thought I’d be the type to just go bald and live with it, but I very well may. By the time we got to dinner, I already had the wig tied back in a pony tail. And first thing when I walked in the apartment, I threw it on the table. It feels like a hat. Hard to get used to.

But maybe I will. Maybe I’ll get more. A blond one. A long one. The American Cancer Society has a non-profit wig site which is much more affordable (my insurance covered this first one, thank goodness) and maybe I’ll embrace it and have fun. Maybe test different ones at local bars and see which draws the most attention… It’s not like people who see me every day, like folks at work, will think a wig is my real hair anyway, so why not change it like I change my shoes?

For now, while I still have my own hair (albeit very short), I think that’s what I’ll go with. And we’ll see how I feel each day when I wake up. Because I think that’s all I can do for right now.

But thank you, thank you, thank you, to all who joined me today (especially Hannah, Allegra, Sydney and Nadia – I know this is all very strange for young girls!) and made me laugh and smile, I love you all and so appreciate you taking your afternoon for this! And thank you to those who wanted to join us but weren’t able, both near and far, you were with us in spirit and thought and I hope you laugh at the pictures… xo

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p.s. In between the wig fitting and dinner, I visited Dr. H and got my next expansion – a few more ounces in each breast. Hey: it’s the beginning of cleavage! Very happy to be growing in that area, but already starting to feel the pain. Should be a fun few days – but it’s worth it!

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