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Archive for the ‘Denial’ Category

Making connections

Posted in Alone, Cancer, connections, Denial, Planning, work, tagged , , , , , on April 25, 2012| 10 Comments »

I have not connected with others who have gone through or are going through the same thing as me. Yesterday a woman I work with came up to me and said that when she was going through cancer the number one thing that helped her was joining a support group. Talking and being with people who really understood because they were facing the same thing.

I am sure she is right. It was definitely reading through breast cancer discussion boards – essentially eavesdropping on other women’s conversations – that helped me make the double mastectomy decision. That, and reading about Christina Applegate (and seeing her fabulous new boobs – can I look just like that please?) and watching Giuliana and Bill, the reality show about E talk show host Giuliana Rancic and her husband Bill (first winner of The Apprentice), who happen to be going through the same thing in this season’s episodes.

But I haven’t actually written anything on any of those boards. And while so many of my friends and family have offered to connect me to people they know who have been through this, I haven’t taken anyone up on it. Yes, I guess I’ve still been holding on to that last bit of denial.

You probably wouldn’t know it by talking to me. At work, so many people know that I’m almost surprised when someone doesn’t. As people have heard just that I’ll be out, they’ve asked where I’m going – somewhere nice? Somewhere tropical? Poor Steve, I just spurted “breast cancer” and shrugged. His eyes widened and mouth dropped, and I felt so bad for saying it that way. “I’m sorry,” I explained, “It’s just become automatic.” So it appears I have faced it and am sailing through, but as a handful know, it’s not necessarily true. I have a lot of dealing to do. And I should probably start by making some of those connections…

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Time for breast cancer 102

Posted in Cancer, Denial, tagged , , , , , on April 25, 2012| 2 Comments »

Written this morning

I’m sitting on the plane, on my way to visit my family in Florida. What is my reading material? Two magazines: Dana Farber’s Paths of Progress and Breast Cancer Wellness. We haven’t even taken off and my eyes start to fill. I never thought this would be me. I don’t want my life to be about cancer. I don’t want to read this stuff. I want to read novels. Or the Steve Jobs biography. Or Shades of Grey, which I now see everywhere since Tina told me everyone is talking about.

Last book I read? Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy.  Don’t get me wrong – it is excellent and I am so thankful Geralyn Lucas wrote it because as far as I’ve come on my journey, so much of what she’s said is right on. We’re very similar and so I can see some of what I’m going to be going through. It isn’t all pretty, but it has a happy ending and I’m determined mine will too. (I highly recommend it for anyone wondering what this is like – or you can watch the lifetime movie based on the book – it’s free on the web site, link above. I haven’t watched it yet but plan to.)

I know I need to read, to study, to learn. At dinner last night Mike asked me if there are certain foods I should be eating now or after surgery. I know there are but I haven’t really looked into it. And he asked about other things like certain types of exercise or specific things I’ll need. I don’t know. I haven’t wanted to deal with it. Surgery is Monday. I guess it’s time to find out.

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A week of distraction and denial

Posted in Cancer, Denial, tagged , , , , on April 15, 2012| 6 Comments »

This week I pretended I don’t have cancer. It was much like the first six months of being 16 and pregnant when I simply pretended I wasn’t pregnant (yes, really, six months for those of you who don’t know the story). You’d think I’d learn that ignoring something doesn’t make it go away. (And in that case I thank God every day he didn’t go away!) Well, this time it was just a week and there’s nothing I can do about it anyway, so why not ignore it?

It was an easy week to do it. It was my first week since finding the lump that I didn’t have even one doctor’s appointment! Work was crazy busy as usual so I was able to stay busy with that. And, even more distracting, a couple of my loved ones had serious issues of their own that I was distracted by and wanted to help in any way I could. I so prefer to focus on others than on me.

I am a fixer. I try everything I can to help solve everyone’s problems and just want to help make everyone happy. But I know I can only do so much. There are some things I can’t fix – both for others and myself. And some people don’t need my help or want me to fix things for them. Sometimes you just need to give them space to do their own thing and be confident they know you’re there if they need or want you. And there are some things only prayers, well wishes and positive vibes will help. These are all things I have to remind myself when I see those close to me in pain.

It was back to reality yesterday as I realized what day it was: exactly one month from when I found the first lump. I can’t believe it’s only been a month – it seems like a lifetime. Only two weeks until surgery, and so much to do before then. I expect to hear the results of the genetic test early this week, have an appointment with my GP for a vaccine and some other tests one day, and my pre-op another. Makes it a little harder to pretend it’s not happening…

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