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Archive for the ‘recovery’ Category

Rest and Robituson

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2012| 4 Comments »

Why does it constantly surprise me that I am fighting cancer? Why does it take getting sick to slow me down? Why do I insist on trying to be normal and keep up with everyone else and pretend nothing is wrong? Why can’t I remember that I am bald? Yes, those are all rhetorical questions – I don’t expect anyone to answer them. I just get mad at myself and mad at the whole situation. I am mad.

When I returned to work Thursday following the port, I was asked “does it hurt?” Yes, I replied, but it’s not much different from every day – something always hurts. I’m used to something constantly hurting, whether it’s my arm, my boobs, my fingernails, my feet, my mouth, whatever – at least they usually take turns and don’t all hurt at once. I ignore it and plow through.

But yesterday I started feeling… different. It was really strange how it washed over me and suddenly I was concerned. I’ve been congested and blowing my slightly bloody nose day and night that I’ve gotten used to the constant sight of blood (sorry for those that this grosses out – but it’s reality). When I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago, my doctor told me not to worry about it, but I wondered if it was at all connected to how I am now feeling. Each time I take a deep breath, my chest, back and back of my neck get really tight, and my head feels… full, I guess, too. And if I bend down, my head feels like it might explode. Add that to how tired I am and how just walking to my car makes me winded, I figured something could be wrong.

So I spent much of today back at Dana-Farber. Blood clot? Pneumonia? An EKG, CT Scan and a bunch of blood work later and the prognosis is basically that I have a viral infection and that the build up of the taxol is catching up to me, and that I need to slow down. Basically, a reality slap of I’m not invincible. That I am being poisoned each week and it is a cumulative drug and it’s going to keep getting worse for four more weeks and I better slow down or I’ll only make it worse. I better wake up and realize that I can’t just ignore the fact that I am fighting cancer.

So I canceled all my weekend plans. Rest and Robituson. Those are the doctor’s orders. And even though I’m mad at the whole situation (being sick, cancer in general, and missing dinner with a friend tonight, my eldest Goddaughter’s birthday party tomorrow, book club Sat night, etc. ), I will follow them. Both because I feel horrible and don’t want to move from my couch anyway, but also because I am not ready to sacrifice work or the CMAs and I want to be ready for both next week. So I will sleep the weekend away and hopefully build up enough energy to pick the pace back up again on Monday…

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Plenty of Pink!

Posted in Boston, Cancer, Fundraising, radiation, recovery, tagged , , , , on October 24, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Written on Oct. 21, 2012

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This was without doubt the pinkest weekend of my life. It was the peak of the pink month, at least for me. First it was the Komen MA Race for the Cure, and then the Nashua Harley Davidson Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Fashion Show and Live Auction benefit. It was an incredible show of support at both events. Every time I attend an event with the breast cancer community I am amazed at the positive, inviting, friendly vibe. And it was the same at the Harley event, too, where we felt as welcome as if we were one of the family, even though Vanessa, Kevin and I had never been there before. Thank you to Robin Dixon, who organized the incredible fundraiser – we can’t wait to go again next year, and plan to bring more family and friends! The walk was great, too. I was joined by my good friend Alicia, who conveniently lives just down the road from the park where the walk was held, and Linda, who just finished radiation – so it was a celebration of her completing treatment! While I hate being constantly reminded that I have breast cancer, I am very thankful for the heightened awareness and support, which is leading to more research and eventually, hopefully, a cure for all types.

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Six down, six more to go

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, connections, Decisions, family, hair, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , on October 10, 2012| 2 Comments »

Week six of Taxol is over and done – and was pretty ok. Just some pain with the vein chosen (won’t use THAT one again), but otherwise fairly decent. Liver appears to be back to normal this week (phew) so I will continue to try to stay off tylenol and ibuprofen as much as possible and no drinking. (How convenient my 20-year high school reunion is the weekend AFTER my last treatment?) And nice to ease off the steroids a bit. Was a dreadfully early morning, but also meant we were out earlier and able to go home and crash on the couch.

Halfway there – that is what everyone keeps reminding me, and what I find myself telling others when they ask about my treatment. Usually that is a reassuring phrase. In a way it is, as I know six weeks from now (as long as my liver doesn’t mess things up), I will be done with chemo. (WOO HOO!)

But what really lingers in my mind is how much harder the second six weeks will be than the first. It’s already starting, as I mentioned last week, and for the first time I had a couple of really rough days getting through work and had to give in and take a painkiller when I got home and just sleep. I know I need to slow down some and I will. As it gets worse, I will probably work from home a bit or take a day off if necessary. We’ll just have to see how bad it actually gets.

I am not going to dwell on it. I got a text from a loved one after my last post where I said I don’t want people to feel sorry for me: “I’ll tell you what. I won’t feel sorry for you. I don’t think I ever actually did (not that I wasn’t devestated to hear the news). We are all dealt a certain hand in the beginning. It’s how we play them that counts. So, stop giving people a reason to cry, no one needs to see your pain (no one sees mine and you’re stronger) and refocus on giving them a reason to cheer. Close that door! No one else is gonna tell you and I’m no one else. Now is the time to show your strength, so buck up and be strong. I know you can make it through, if you want to. You have the most bad ass ELITE special forces SOG-MACV blood in your veins. Tap into it! Your DNA doesn’t even know what defeat is!”

He is right – in a way. In many ways. I do need to be more positive. I am strong. I do have fighter DNA. I will make it through. Heck, I can make it through anything for just six weeks. And soon it will be five, then four… And my hair is starting to grow back, right, so it’s not all bad! (I may hurt all over but I will eventually look better… and the pain will go away.)

The one thing I said (in addition to how much I love him and thank him for the honesty) is that I do still need to show the bad side, too. I can’t only share the good on here. That would be fiction. Lying by omission. And yes, while this started out for family and friends (who I make it a point NOT to lie to – in fact I’m not a fan of lying to anyone), it’s grown quite a bit. Now there are several women going through similar cancer treatments and for them, more than anyone, I sometimes need to be brutally honest. I need them to know that they are not going through this alone. And that they are not the only ones whose nails are breaking off, they are not the only ones feeling aches and pains throughout their body, they are not the only ones gaining weight from the treatment. Yes, I want to – and most of the time do – keep smiling and being strong and try to be inspiring for others. But I refuse to be fake.

So I am sorry if some of the things you read here bring you down. But I can assure you, no matter how rough a week it is for me, I will get through this, and I will keep smiling most of the time. I know this is just a bump in the road. Not only will the next six weeks be over before I know it, so will 2013. And that will be a wonderful new start…

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