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Not Yet, AKA Be Patient

June 4, 2013 by altatwood

I felt stupid as silent tears streamed down my face as I walked through the bridge connecting Brigham and Women’s, where I’d just seen Dr.H, my reconstructive surgeon, and Dana-Farber, where I was parked. And I was mad at myself for not making it to my car before crying.

This was the appointment where I was supposed to be cleared to have the implant surgery, so I could start to feel normal again, rather than have these two solid rocks sticking out from my chest. But instead I learned that my body just isn’t ready. I quickly explained that I’m seeing a trainer, and my physical therapist, and that I can ask them for exercises to loosen me up, and Dr. H looked at me sympathetically and said ‘Its not you, dear, there’s nothing you can do. It’s just your body, your tissues just aren’t loosening and ready.” Then he patted my arm, smiled broadly and said ” If you do find a way, let me know – I have 250 other patients who would love it!”

I hate it when there is nothing I can do, when it is completely out of my control. I left feeling totally and utterly disappointed. I really thought the end was somewhat in sight. But now I can’t even think about scheduling the next surgery until I see him again in September. Ugh. This really is the neverending story. Hence the tears. As soon as they started flowing I made a pit stop in Dana-Farber’s Healing Garden, the oasis where I feel a little less stupid crying, and usually can calm myself down.

Why did I feel stupid? Because this is simply a little set back. It’s cosmetic, essentially. And people in these hospitals have so much bigger problems. I am lucky. I am done with all treatment but tamoxifin. My hair is growing back. And I am going to be fine. So really, the tears were unnecessary. I wish my mind could have just convinced my body of that! I guess we can’t control everything. Or, sometimes, anything. And we just have to wait.

When Nick and I both got home tonight I told him my disappointing news. He hugged me and said he’s sorry, but maybe it’s for the best. I looked at him like he’s crazy and he just shrugged and said “Hey, you’re the one who always says everything happens for a reason, so maybe there’s a reason for this.” How can I debate that? I can’t, so I will listen and I will try to be patient. Definitely not one of my virtues…

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, family, prayer, radiation, recovery | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Helping Hands – and Tissues

May 21, 2013 by altatwood

We live in a genuinely good world. People want to help each other. They care. I truly believe this. What, you don’t agree? Just look around!

I’ve spent the last hour watching the stories of Oklahoma. The caring, courage and strength shown by everyone from those teachers who did all they could to protect the students huddled with them in the bathrooms to the strangers rushing to the sites just to help anyone they could is awe-inspiring. Then The Voice opened with a somber message for Oklahoma, followed by a special tribute performance by Blake Shelton (who is from Oklahoma) and Miranda Lambert, with the words “To help disaster victims, please donate at redcross.org or call 1-800 HELP NOW” across the bottom of the screen.

oklahoma

I have loved ones in Oklahoma, family and friends I immediately worried about as soon as I heard what was happening, so I posted a message on Facebook. Now the site is flooded with pictures, status updates and prayers for all those in Oklahoma – and I know many of those who posted don’t personally know a soul in the state of Oklahoma. But they care.

On my way home tonight I got a call from my oldest Goddaughter. She was bursting with excitement over her day. She is a sophomore in high school and is involved with Best Buddies, a program for students with intellectual and developmental disabilities. They participated in the Special Olympics today and, as if that wasn’t excitement enough, the Franklin Police Department gave them a formal escort back to the school (“Just like celebrities!” she gushed) and then practically the entire school was outside to welcome them back and congratulate the Best Buddies. That’s just nice.

And people don’t just support each other verbally – they open their wallets, too. More than $30 million has been raised so far for One Fund Boston, to help the families of those killed and most seriously injured in the bombings at the Boston Marathon, barely a month ago. $30 million. That’s amazing.

But money can’t buy everything. Dana-Farber recently interviewed me for one of their publications. (This is the blog written based on the full article.) They wanted to know why I agreed to donate tissue. For me, it was a no brainer. Why in the world would I say no? Working for Genzyme, I know the importance of research and clinical trials. I was going to be in surgery anyway, so why not let them take a little more, so hopefully it will lead to improved treatments or even a cure. It won’t hurt me and could help others. Take extra tissue, extra blood, whatever can help!

None of this is unusual. This is every day life. People are genuinely good. They want to help. Don’t let the bad overshadow the good. See the sun through the clouds. Be the change you want to see in the world – lead the way and lend a helping hand (or tissue) when you can. You never know whose life it could someday save: yours, your son’s or your future grandchild’s …

 

Posted in Boston, Cancer, Decisions, family, Fundraising, Home, prayer, work | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Best Laid Plans…

May 18, 2013 by altatwood

When I’m tired, I am indecisive. And I can’t stand it when people are indecisive – definitely one of my pet peeves. This has been a very long week – lots of early mornings and late nights. And lots of eating during those early mornings and late nights, and no time for exercise (except walking to and from work yesterday). That adds up to being tired and feeling fat. Not a great combination.

So last night I was supposed to go for drinks for my friend Andrew’s birthday – at 9 p.m. Ordinarily that would’ve been perfect, but not after this week. The feeling fat and stressed was winning out so I texted Andrew my apologies and said I was going to yoga. At least with the walk home and to and from yoga and the stretching with yoga I’d feel like I was moving in the right direction.

What I didn’t count on was being delayed leaving work, then getting home too late to get changed and walk to yoga. So I went to plan B – go for a brief run. I was really dragging, but at least I’d get some exercise in, which is always better than none. I got into
my running clothes, laced up my sneakers, found my gym boss and … I made the HUGE mistake of sitting down on my bed to reply to some texts that had just come in. And then I leaned back. Before you knew it, there I was, head to toe in running gear, fast asleep.

I woke up around 11 pm to a text from Nick. I responded, took my sneakers off and crawled back into bed. Clearly I needed sleep!

Third time’s the charm, right? And for me, it was. I hopped out of bed this morning, ready for a good run! The sun was shining, and hey – I was already dressed for a run! I threw my sneakers back on, grabbed my phone and headphones, and out the door I went.

And then I was pleasantly surprised by one of my neighbors. I stopped by my car to grab my sunglasses and as I closed the door, he walked toward me. We exchanged hellos and then he said he was glad to hear I was sticking around. A bit confused how he knew I was moving at all, I simply said thank you and started to point to my new apartment when he said the number. Heck, he probably knew I had the place before I did! I was surprised because I didn’t think I was noticed here, and then he really shocked me:

“You always inspire me,” he said.

“Huh?” I responded (eloquent, I know).

“Whenever my back is aching and I don’t want to move, I think of you and how you keep going, and know I can, too.”

“Thank you – I’m so glad,” I bumbled, amazed he even knew anything about me. But I guess the fact that I moved in with long brown hair, then it was cut, then shaved, then wigs, then bald, and now short brown hair – I guess maybe some of my neighbors noticed. Hard to miss at some points.

So we smiled, wished each other good days and headed on our separate ways. And that brief encounter made my day. It reminded me that whether people acknowledge you or not, there’s always someone watching – and sometimes appreciating – what you do. And today it made me thankful that I fell asleep last night and ended up with plan C.

Posted in Boston, Cancer, Decisions, hair, Planning, recovery | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments »

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