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Posts Tagged ‘bald’

It’s all relative

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Denial, Discovery, family, Planning, prayer, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2012| 2 Comments »

Tina brought tea from Dunkin’ Donuts – highlight of the chemo infusion!

Today, chemo week five at Dana-Farber, was fairly routine. Not much nausea, not much pain at the infusion site by my wrist, and mom and Tina were there for my amusement – and I for theirs. It was a blood work and infusion only week, but my doctor stopped in to visit anyway.

Yesterday for the first time I admitted to one of my friends how I am really feeling and what is happening  – and felt so bad when she started crying.  I even admitted, as I did with Phil when I told him that I am listening to him and not going to attempt to do the Newport Half Marathon, that I am not invincible. I need others to know because they rely on me and we need to be prepared. If it was just all about me, I’d stay in denial as long as possible!

You’re probably wondering what the heck is happening. No, I am not dying, and I don’t have another lump. Things are simply getting worse. I honestly hate saying (or writing) it because that makes it real, harder to deny and could make people feel bad for me. I hate it when people feel bad for me or baby me!!! I just want to be treated completely normally, just with understanding of my limitations so people aren’t counting on me for more than I can physically give.

It’s really interesting, and somewhat ironic. I find it amazing that officially I no longer have cancer, but things are worse from the treatments than I ever felt when the cancer was in my body. Looking at me, you’d say “she has cancer” but I don’t actually – now I’m a cancer survivor. Just still in treatment so I look like crap. And while some things are starting to get better, other side effects are kicking in…

Better

  • My hair is starting to grow in. Really! And not just on my head – I have to shave my legs! I will never complain about that again… My doctor confirmed that it sure appears to be coming back and that it can happen while on Taxol, but isn’t normal so she doesn’t mention it as she doesn’t like to give false hope.
  • It appears my eyelashes and eyebrows are no longer falling out – so while they are sparse, it would be so fabulous to preserve what I have and for them to start to grow back too.
  • I was able to cut back to a normal dose of benedryl starting today, and starting next week can start to cut back on the steroids slowly, as I haven’t been having any of the real bad Taxol reactions. So that means I shouldn’t keep gaining weight, and I won’t be as hungry all the time – thank goodness ’cause I hate all the weight I’ve put on, and am ready to get back into my smaller jeans…
  • Being able to work four days a week, unlike the A/C cocktail.

Getting worse

  • My fingernails are starting to go. They are increasingly brittle, have lines I try to cover with light nail polish and four have broken off below the skin, complete with bleeding – so not fun…
  • The aches and pains throughout my body are increasing, as are the hand and feet tingling. And it will continue to increase each week.
  • My liver is elevated – at first we thought it was because I had a drink and took tylenol, but I cut both out this week and it’s elevated again. Now the thought is that it could be too much ibuprofen because I’ve been taking a bunch for the abovementioned aches and pains. So I’m afraid I am going back on pain killers so I can cut down on the ibuprofen – but will only take them at night when I have no where to go, as I am not supposed to drive or work – it makes my head fuzzy, which I hate! Will take only when absolutely necessary…
  • So I know I have to face that I may not last four days a week at work the entire rest of the time.

It’s all relative, right? It’s only seven more weeks. And no matter how bad it gets, I can get through/handle anything for just seven weeks. And then I will get better. And have a fabulous 2013, and hopefully rest of my life. And until then, at least my hair is starting to grow back – and it’s brown, thank goodness! 😉

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Learning to Proceed With Caution – Cautious Optimism

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, Discovery, family, hair, Planning, prayer, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2012| 4 Comments »

I think you probably know by now that I am an optimist, right? The glass is always half full, there is a reason behind everything, you can choose to be happy and make it happen, it will all work out in the end (somehow). Yes, like everyone else I hit road blocks, get frustrated, procrastinate and even whine (although I hate it) sometimes – and often this blog is where I let it out. It’s the optimist in me, though, that keeps me pushing and determined to just plow through anything (like, uh, cancer) that gets in my way. Why am I saying this? Because I know sometimes I am so determined and driven, that I can be blind to other things that I should take into consideration…

Today was week 3 of 12 weeks of Taxol, the second round of chemo. 25% there as Tara reminded me via text this morning. It went well. I remembered to take all my pre-meds (don’t ever intend to forget those again), they cut the benedryl in half, skipped some of the other onsite premeds, and I didn’t have any reaction during the Taxol. Tina and mom kept me laughing and we visited with someone from Dana-Farber working on a possible news pitch, so it went by really fast.

Then it was off to my final expansion. I’m as big as I will get – in fact, I will be a bit smaller when all is said and done because they make you go a bit bigger with the tissue expanders so that the skin will then relax naturally around the implants, which will be a bit smaller. So that surgery will be on January 2 – figure I will start the new year right: no more chemo, get on with the reconstruction and putting the horrors of this year behind me.

While I did crash for a few hours this afternoon, I am feeling much better. Yes, I am starting to feel some aches and pains and the fatigue, both of which they say will continue to increase each week, but for now all is really good. This drug is so much easier to recover from than the other two – and thank God no real nausea! Even my hair appears to be starting to grow – it’s a centimeter now! 🙂 Hopefully that will keep going and not start falling out again – we will see for sure in about two more weeks. But I have to keep in mind some other things, that aren’t so visible. Like the fact that because I am being treated every week, my blood counts will be down until December, so I need to be very careful. And I’ve been lucky so far with my nails, in that I still have them all but they are getting a bit discolored and hurting a bit, so have to go easy with them so they don’t fall off. Above all, I have to make myself go a bit easier and not push myself as much and as hard as when I was fine…

And that just isn’t easy. I want to stay late at work. I want to go out after work, whether it is for a run, meeting friends or on a date or dinner with Nick. I want to stay up late reading or writing or whatever. I want to run or at least walk the Newport half marathon that I signed up for in February before my diagnosis in March. I just have to remind myself sometimes I shouldn’t do ALL of those things ALL the time. I’ve always been one to burn the candle at both ends. Mom even wrote on the cover of my science book freshman year “all animals need some form of rest or they will die” or something like that – and because I ignored her, shortly after I got mono from sheer exhaustion and spent the next month sick in bed. (Listen to your mother, folks.)

So while I want to do so many things and act normal and not miss a thing, I need to constantly remind myself it’s a balancing act, and I am so sick of being sick, that I don’t want to do anything to elongate it. If I get a fever, I will land in the hospital. If I am sick, they will postpone chemo. And that means I will not be celebrating on Nov. 20. And depending how long I am sick, will be how long this damn thing drags out. And I DO NOT want chemo in 2013. 2013 is going to be MY YEAR and I don;’t want to share it with cancer. I want to be done.

So I will proceed with cautious optimism. I will do what I feel I can, I may push the limits some, but I will try to be smart about it. And I will try to listen to what my body (and my mother) tell me, unlike when I was 14…

I saw this on Facebook and just loved it – all good things to learn and remember…

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I forgot

Posted in Alone, Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, Discovery, hair, tagged , , , , on September 6, 2012| 4 Comments »

This is going to sound so stupid. I feel so stupid…

I just got home after a very long day (I went out for a bit after work), and the first thing I mindlessly did was pull off my wig and toss it on the couch. I rubbed my head a million times, all over, as it was hot under all that hair! I then went about my business, flipping through the mail, checking my e-mail, glancing at facebook, grabbing some leftovers from the fridge.

My hunger subsided, I grabbed my book and headed to my bedroom. (Yes, welcome to my exciting life.) I threw the book on my bed, reached up to take my necklace off and turned to my bureau. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and froze for a minute before breaking down in tears. I forgot. I simply forgot I was bald.

All day long when I saw myself in a mirror, I had shoulder-length brown hair. As I walked tonight in Harvard Square and caught my reflection in the storefront windows, I saw myself with hair. All day it was annoying me, getting in my eyes and making me sweat in the humidity. I couldn’t wait to get home and tear it off my head. And even when I got home and did take it off, it still didn’t register in my mind what it actually meant until I saw myself in my bedroom mirror.

It’s been two months now. I shaved my head (because my hair was falling out so fast) on June 30. And I don’t think I will ever get used to it or actually like it. But sometimes I think it’s actually better for me just to be bald most of the time – to make myself get used to it. To force myself to face my reality. To remind myself that I actually am sick and I shouldn’t always push myself so hard, so I don’t overdo it. But I long to be normal so much that I can’t help but put on one of the wigs to play dress up and trick myself into thinking I am a regular thirty-something girl who just blends in with the crowd – not one who people stare at because they’re not used to seeing a bald woman.

I guess there is a time for both. A time for remembering and a time for forgetting. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much each time I’m jarred back from my fantasyland…

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