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Posts Tagged ‘cancer’

Back to (Radiation) Reality

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Denial, hair, radiation, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2012| Leave a Comment »

For about two weeks life was almost normal – no treatments (just visits to the hospital), work five days a week, some of the chemo side effects fading and my hair (slowly) growing back. I felt myself slipping back into the good old denial and fooling myself that cancer doesn’t exist in my life. But starting tomorrow, it’s a new reality: radiation.

Just like with the chemo, it’s been a bit of a crash course in radiation. I admit I haven’t exactly been paying as much attention as perhaps I should have (part of the denial thing), but now I’m cramming. The folks in Radiation Oncology at Dana-Farber are – like everyone I’ve encountered at Dana-Farber and Brigham and Women’s – great. They talk and walk you through it all so even those of us who aren’t too medically inclined have a clue what’s happening. I had the mapping session where they figured out the treatment field (on me) and gave me six tiny tattoos to help them correctly position me at each appointment. Then on Friday I had the dry run, where they took x-rays to make sure they got the mapping right, and walked me through what will happen for each of my next 25 visits.

Radiation Therapy (From the Breast Radiation Guidelines sheet from Dana-Farber): Radiation therapy is a painless treatment, similar to an x-ray. It uses high-energy x-rays to damage the DNA of cancer cells so that they are unable to repair themselves. Radiation also affects normal, healthy cells. Unlike cancer cells, normal cells are able to recover from radiation damage.

So starting tomorrow, Monday-Friday for 25 days (except Christmas and New Year’s Day) I’ll end my work day by running over to Dana-Farber for radiation. Several friends have given me tips on getting through it, and I am hoping to sail through. Then reinflation, a few months of rest, surgery for the implants, nipples, more tattooing, and then…

Tamoxifen. You may have heard the news last week: the results of a big study were just revealed and it determined that 10 years of tamoxifen is better for life expectancy than five years. Of course. That’s just my luck – just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse! So frustrating…

But at the check-up with my oncologist Friday (well, substitute oncologist, as mine just had a baby – her first, yay!), she said that I shouldn’t worry too much about it right now. A lot happens in the medical field in five years, and by the time my five are up, who knows what the recommendation will be. With my luck it will be to take it forever, but whatever. We’ll see.

There is some good news. I get to have the port taken out of my arm soon, which will be wonderful. And the best news of all: I ran today. Well, that was preceded by some not great news. I asked the oncologist when the numbness and tingling in my feet, legs and fingers will stop and she said it could be six months, a year or even never (although that’s rare). I had been waiting for my feet at least to be normal before getting back to running, since I’m such a klutz anyway. But there’s no way I’m waiting that long – I can’t stand being this out of shape, and want my clothes to fit right again. So this morning I went for my first run in practically forever.

I actually cried (happy tears of course) as I walked into the cool air in my running gear. It felt so good to get back out there! Of course, that only lasted a short time. It was like I’ve never run before. I was only doing 1:1 intervals and I was hurting by the time I hit a mile. I only did one more because I had a pain in my side and felt like I was going to throw up. (So pathetic how out of shape I am…) But I was proud I didn’t fall and two miles is better than none. It’s a start.

And tomorrow – uh, today, as I just realized it’s after midnight – is another start. Radiation. And it will be fine. I got through chemo just fine and I can get through this.

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A Different Deflation and Giving Tuesday

Posted in Alone, Boston, Cancer, Dating, hair, radiation, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on November 27, 2012| Leave a Comment »

As I sat down in my reconstructive surgeon’s waiting room at Brigham and Women’s this afternoon for the first time in months, I had this strange surge of emotion. My mind immediately jumped back to May when I was sitting in the very same seat, furiously texting with the guy I was seeing. I remember fighting back tears as I typed, so depressed because everyone else in the waiting room was holding the hand of a significant other except me – and part of me blamed him for not being there even though I didn’t even tell him I had the appointment that day. I knew that didn’t make sense, but not much made sense at that time.

Sitting there today, I thought of how far I’ve come. Today I breezed in there smiling, confidently bald (can I still call it that with the baby hair on my head?), rushing straight from work; in stark contrast to months ago when I slowly trudged down the hospital hall in sweats and no makeup, feeling like all the life had been sucked out of me – and unable to see beyond the devastating moment.

While I don’t love my current situation, I accept it. While I don’t like being bald, I can handle it. And while it would be great to have some incredible guy by my side, I would rather be alone than with the wrong one, or one who doesn’t want to be here.

I’ve even come to terms with radiation. Today was the first step: partially deflating my left breast so it doesn’t get in the way during radiation. I talked through things with Dr. H and he assured me that while this will be longer, it’s the right order and he will do everything he can when it’s his turn. I felt better when I left – although it’s hard getting used to one smooshy breast (like those squishy gel toys) and one that’s hard as a rock! February can’t come soon enough – that’s when I’ll visit Dr. H again and get reinflated. And hopefully I will be able to schedule the surgery then, too, depending how I did through radiation – which I am determined will go well.

For at least the moment, my overwhelmingly positive and determined attitude has returned. I started today practically giddy (I even warned several people). Why? Because today is Tuesday and for the first time in months, I got to go to work! (AKA – No more chemo!) And not only did I get to go to work, but I started the day welcoming people at New Hire Orientation, which I always find invigorating. So by the time I was back in my office, I was raring to go! If only I could bottle that feeling…

Giving Tuesday

I couldn’t let today go by without mentioning Giving Tuesday. Unlike Black Friday and Cyber Monday, this is a day to use your money to make a real difference. It doesn’t have to be today – I know, it is quite late – but can be any day of the year. In fact, I will once again be purchasing most of my Christmas gifts online here:

  • Dana-Farber – Our Giving Catalog is full of gifts that benefit adult and pediatric patients and advance Dana-Farber’s lifesaving mission. Gifts range from supporting clinical trials to stocking our toy closet.

After making your selection and donation, you can either send someone an e-card or print cards to give as gifts. I think people will appreciate it as much this year as they did last. I know it’s certainly more personal to me this year, and there’s no present I’d rather than this.

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Reflections on 20 Years

Posted in Cancer, connections, Dating, Decisions, Dreams, Home, Planning, Uncategorized, tagged , , , on November 25, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Last night I went to my (gulp) 20 year high school reunion. And I had an absolute blast. The only bad thing was that it wasn’t long enough and many of us couldn’t believe it when the bar was kicking us out because they wanted to close. Of course, Nicole (one of my closest school friends) and I ended up talking even longer in my car until we realized that we better both get on the road before we were too tired to drive. The whole thing wiped me out so much that I slept until 1:30 this afternoon and never got out of my pjs!

I spent much of the day (once I finally woke up) replaying some of last night’s conversations in my head. It was a lot like speed dating, in that there were so many people to talk to with that you mainly had fairly short, but hopefully meaningful, spurts of dialogue. Then something would happen to push you apart, and although you said you’d be back, the time flew by so fast, inevitably that was the end of the discussion. 10 years – which is when most of us were last together, at our last reunion – is just too long. Even with Facebook.

And then there were many that you never even got to connect with – again, because time ran out – and several more that weren’t able to be there at all. So many missed!

But then there were the gems of the night – the real food for thought…

  • about love – that if it’s right, it can last, even if you met in school. And if you haven’t found your love yet, make sure that you hold out for the right person, that he or she is out there, and until then, enjoy dating and ‘companionship.’
  • about life – know that you can start over whenever and wherever you want. It’s all up to you and only you can stop you.
  • about friendship – that it doesn’t matter how many years go by, there are some people you will always instantly click and feel comfortable with. And often they are the ones to introduce you to new people who are destined to become your new friends.
  • about people – that everyone has a story, if you’ll only listen.
  • about acceptance – that if you are honest, open and comfortable with yourself, they will appreciate and accept you for who you are.

Many people asked how I was doing, and others simply offered words of support – my favorite was the big, long bear hug and the whispered words of “you know what I’m saying, right?” I know – and thank you!

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