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Posts Tagged ‘decisions’

The mental side of running

Posted in Alone, Boston, Cancer, connections, Decisions, family, tagged , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Running isn’t just good for me (and you) physically, it helps mentally, too. Phil always told me that when he has something big to think about, he goes for a run. And he’s right. Even with my music blaring in one ear (I never put both ear pods in – learned that in self-defence class – always stay aware of your surroundings), I can think more clearly and better concentrate on a run. This first run I thought about a million things, but the one that really stands out is my upcoming meeting Thursday morning at Dana-Farber.

I received a letter the other day from the Development office at Dana-Farber, wanting to thank me for my significant donation in December and to find out why I made it – what my story is. And boy, will they get a different story than they probably expect – it’s certainly evolved since I wrote that check! So as I ran, I began to think about what I will tell them.

And halfway across the Harvard Bridge (amongst the ‘Smoots’), I began to cry. I cried as I ran (thank goodness, once again, for sunglasses) and thought about telling them how devastated I’d been in mid-December when my dear school friend Sarah found out that her 10-month-old daughter has cancer – a neuroblastoma in her lower pelvic area and a nodule in her lung. It was so unfair!!!  I thought about the other people close to me who’ve been hit so hard by cancer, like my friend Kristen who lost her brother Greg after his long, brave fight with the disease. And it being close to Christmas, I thought how no one really needs anything more than health and decided to make that donation to Dana-Farber in honor of Mirany and everyone impacted by cancer. I printed out the donation cards from the website and give those to people instead of other gifts for Christmas. And then March came… I cried some more, just thinking about how I’ve gotten to know Dana-Farber more than I ever wanted to.

I am happy to share my story with them (heck, I can just give them this blog address!), my heart just breaks for Sarah, Scott and Mirany’s lives, my life, my family and friends going through this with me, all of us, and wish in this one way we were all where we were last November: blissfully ignorant of this damn thing called cancer.

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Wig party

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Denial, family, hair, Planning, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 19, 2012| 6 Comments »

Today definitely got better than my early morning and T ride to work, which is when I wrote that last post. Many of my closest friends and family joined me at my afternoon wig fitting at Dana-Farber. A picture tells a thousand words, right? So I posted a slideshow below of pictures Tina took during the fitting. Yes, it was hard (teared up at one point, but held strong – and thank you, V, for telling me you’re proud of me – way to make me teary again!), but they all kept me smiling and laughing. Hard not to, with some of those wig choices! I was at times:

  • Kim Kardashian
  • Snooki
  • A retired high school secretary
  • Alivia (we took a pic of me and Nick with another camera, Livy – we’ll send it to you!)
  • Jennifer Garner in Alias
  • A Russian spy
  • Me in 8th grade

I’m sure I’m missing some, but you get the idea. It was fun. And I picked one. And it’s perfectly nice. But it’s not me. I never thought I’d be the type to just go bald and live with it, but I very well may. By the time we got to dinner, I already had the wig tied back in a pony tail. And first thing when I walked in the apartment, I threw it on the table. It feels like a hat. Hard to get used to.

But maybe I will. Maybe I’ll get more. A blond one. A long one. The American Cancer Society has a non-profit wig site which is much more affordable (my insurance covered this first one, thank goodness) and maybe I’ll embrace it and have fun. Maybe test different ones at local bars and see which draws the most attention… It’s not like people who see me every day, like folks at work, will think a wig is my real hair anyway, so why not change it like I change my shoes?

For now, while I still have my own hair (albeit very short), I think that’s what I’ll go with. And we’ll see how I feel each day when I wake up. Because I think that’s all I can do for right now.

But thank you, thank you, thank you, to all who joined me today (especially Hannah, Allegra, Sydney and Nadia – I know this is all very strange for young girls!) and made me laugh and smile, I love you all and so appreciate you taking your afternoon for this! And thank you to those who wanted to join us but weren’t able, both near and far, you were with us in spirit and thought and I hope you laugh at the pictures… xo

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p.s. In between the wig fitting and dinner, I visited Dr. H and got my next expansion – a few more ounces in each breast. Hey: it’s the beginning of cleavage! Very happy to be growing in that area, but already starting to feel the pain. Should be a fun few days – but it’s worth it!

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Two weeks

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, family, Home, Planning, prayer, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2012| 5 Comments »

I am actually scared to start writing tonight. So much has happened in the last 24 hours, never mind the last two weeks, that I’m afraid if I start, I won’t stop. And I just don’t have the energy like I had… well, even two weeks ago! My sincere apologies for being so silent. Everything has been at such a whirlwind pace, and then I was knocked on my butt – and I’m not sure if I’ll really be back to full speed until this whole nightmare subsides. (I’m done kidding myself it will ever really be over.) But there I go, starting to go on and on, and I really need to just get to the point – well, all the points – the highlights from the last two weeks (although I’m not sure I see most of them exactly as highlights…).

Starting at the end (well, now): I am writing this on my back-up laptop (thank goodness I kept it). And that’s  because last night my new Mac Airbook was stolen out of Tara’s car while we were at the movies. Not only was the laptop in my backpack, but so were my chemo meds. I was very thankful I only had them with me as backup in case I was sick, but had finished the days of ‘must-have’ meds the day before. But still so frustrating and nerve-wracking. I think we’re both still in a bit of shock over it. And I keep remembering other things that were in (of course) my favorite backpack: my favorite pair of running pants, my Hannah Banana yellow shirt, my Kindle charger, my full coupon case and my pink Dana Farber Red Sox hat – and just when I need all the hats I can get!

One thing that I was relieved to find in my pocketbook, rather than lost with the backpack, was the running list I’ve been keeping of all the things I’ve been meaning to write about here. So now I’m going to literally list them and just comment a bit – and possibly at some point I’ll go back and elaborate, but I don’t have time or energy now and I don’t want them to be forgotten… 

  • Going back to work was definitely better than I imagined. The people I work with are amazing – so unbelievably supportive, caring and helpful. They made it so wonderful and easy to be back – and no, I didn’t feel like the circus freak at all.
  • Of course, what’s hard about it is balancing my new reality of being a cancer patient and all that goes along with it – the doctor’s appointments, physical therapy and simply learning what I need to know about what is happening and will be happening to my body – and what I need to do to help it. There is so much to learn and know and do, and not enough hours in the day. I also don’t want that to be my sole focus, as I’ve said before, so work is good.
  • While I tried to take it easy that first week back, there was so much happening, and I was feeling good, so I just kind of got swept into it all – and I think lulled into a bit of a false sense of the worst being over. As if the surgery was the worst part. Ha! Was I wrong! But before we get to that…
  • So I made the most of that one week of having energy, being back to work, and acting normal: Kristen and I went and did our part for the Jimmy Fund by attending the Scooper Bowl – if you haven’t been, put it on your calendar for next year: all you can eat ice cream! Mike gave Nick, Kristen and me tickets to the Red Sox and we had a blast. I joined Alicia for her company’s networking event. I visited Tina and my Goddaughters and was treated to my own personal Memorial Day concert. And Nick babysat for Ella and Will while Tara and I spent a Sunday afternoon dressed up at her work’s garden party.  
  • Amidst it all was a ton of apartment hunting. Long story short, we did find one and will be moving to Brookline on June 29 – just before round two of chemo.
  • Speaking of chemo – round one was on Tuesday. Chaos started Monday afternoon when we realized Nick was sick and he was worried about getting me sick before chemo. It all worked out fine, but he wasn’t able to join us Tuesday morning. But we certainly had a party, with mom, Mark, Tina, Tara and Jay. And Sarah stopped by because Mirany also had an appointment that day. So they gave us a great corner with a view, and in addition to my poison, I was treated to a hand massage, lunch and visits from doctors and a therapist. Quite a full day, peppered with laughter thanks to all and a ton of food courtesy of Tara!
  • While the actual chemo session was fine, the rest has not been so great. I got sick a few hours later. And then had a strange local reaction in my right arm, which luckily went away by Wednesday. But I was still nauseous and exhausted Wednesday – and Thursday, too, much to my disappointment. Nick and mom made it clear there was no even attempting to go back to work Thursday, and I didn’t have the energy to argue. I am still upset to find I am not one of the people to sail through chemo. And not looking forward to the next three rounds.
  • And that may not be the end. My oncologist has now recommended adding 12 more weeks of another chemo drug after we finish these 12 weeks. I’ll explain more about it later – I’m still thinking…
  • Especially now that I’ve seen how just this first bit has wiped me out. Not only my energy level (which is so low) and the faint ongoing nausea and metallic taste, but what I feel like it’s doing with my head. I think slower. I am not myself. And that is so frustrating…
  • Yesterday, before the robbery, Nick and I joined a whole bunch of our family for the Spina Bifida Walk and Roll, as part of my cousin Hannah’s team – Hannah’s Bananas. It was so good to see everyone, and especially to be there for Hannah, but it was depressing that I am so tired after only a mile and a half, even at a slow pace. 
  • And after the walk, Nick and I went to Leane’s and she cut my hair again – this time, as Nick put it, I look like him. It’s supposed to start to fall out later this week and it was still too long for me to handle the chucks of it falling out. And on Tuesday afternoon we have the wig fitting party, and it will be better if I have less hair for the fitting. Leane always cuts hair beautifully, but I can’t bring myself to embrace this cut on me. It is what it is – a necessary step. And I will get through it.

Those are the biggest things, I guess. I know I forgot some things, and I’m sorry. But at least that’s all for right now because I am exhausted and have to get some sleep so I’ll have hope of waking up and functioning in the morning so I can make it through a full day at work!

Thank you again for every ounce of love and thoughts and prayers – I feel and cherish every single one…

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