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Posts Tagged ‘denial’

It’s all relative

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Denial, Discovery, family, Planning, prayer, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2012| 2 Comments »

Tina brought tea from Dunkin’ Donuts – highlight of the chemo infusion!

Today, chemo week five at Dana-Farber, was fairly routine. Not much nausea, not much pain at the infusion site by my wrist, and mom and Tina were there for my amusement – and I for theirs. It was a blood work and infusion only week, but my doctor stopped in to visit anyway.

Yesterday for the first time I admitted to one of my friends how I am really feeling and what is happening  – and felt so bad when she started crying.  I even admitted, as I did with Phil when I told him that I am listening to him and not going to attempt to do the Newport Half Marathon, that I am not invincible. I need others to know because they rely on me and we need to be prepared. If it was just all about me, I’d stay in denial as long as possible!

You’re probably wondering what the heck is happening. No, I am not dying, and I don’t have another lump. Things are simply getting worse. I honestly hate saying (or writing) it because that makes it real, harder to deny and could make people feel bad for me. I hate it when people feel bad for me or baby me!!! I just want to be treated completely normally, just with understanding of my limitations so people aren’t counting on me for more than I can physically give.

It’s really interesting, and somewhat ironic. I find it amazing that officially I no longer have cancer, but things are worse from the treatments than I ever felt when the cancer was in my body. Looking at me, you’d say “she has cancer” but I don’t actually – now I’m a cancer survivor. Just still in treatment so I look like crap. And while some things are starting to get better, other side effects are kicking in…

Better

  • My hair is starting to grow in. Really! And not just on my head – I have to shave my legs! I will never complain about that again… My doctor confirmed that it sure appears to be coming back and that it can happen while on Taxol, but isn’t normal so she doesn’t mention it as she doesn’t like to give false hope.
  • It appears my eyelashes and eyebrows are no longer falling out – so while they are sparse, it would be so fabulous to preserve what I have and for them to start to grow back too.
  • I was able to cut back to a normal dose of benedryl starting today, and starting next week can start to cut back on the steroids slowly, as I haven’t been having any of the real bad Taxol reactions. So that means I shouldn’t keep gaining weight, and I won’t be as hungry all the time – thank goodness ’cause I hate all the weight I’ve put on, and am ready to get back into my smaller jeans…
  • Being able to work four days a week, unlike the A/C cocktail.

Getting worse

  • My fingernails are starting to go. They are increasingly brittle, have lines I try to cover with light nail polish and four have broken off below the skin, complete with bleeding – so not fun…
  • The aches and pains throughout my body are increasing, as are the hand and feet tingling. And it will continue to increase each week.
  • My liver is elevated – at first we thought it was because I had a drink and took tylenol, but I cut both out this week and it’s elevated again. Now the thought is that it could be too much ibuprofen because I’ve been taking a bunch for the abovementioned aches and pains. So I’m afraid I am going back on pain killers so I can cut down on the ibuprofen – but will only take them at night when I have no where to go, as I am not supposed to drive or work – it makes my head fuzzy, which I hate! Will take only when absolutely necessary…
  • So I know I have to face that I may not last four days a week at work the entire rest of the time.

It’s all relative, right? It’s only seven more weeks. And no matter how bad it gets, I can get through/handle anything for just seven weeks. And then I will get better. And have a fabulous 2013, and hopefully rest of my life. And until then, at least my hair is starting to grow back – and it’s brown, thank goodness! 😉

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All about Pink

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, connections, Denial, Fundraising, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on October 2, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Wonder why everything around you is suddenly pink? October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It’s everywhere – from NFL players’ sneakers and gloves to the coupons in the Sunday newspaper. And every other post on Facebook is a different version of the pink ribbon, features a pink ribbon in their profile or promotes something pink. Yes, I think it’s great – anything that can raise awareness and money to support research and people impacted who need assistance is wonderful and appreciated. But it also makes it a bit hard to forget.

Anyone who follows my blog knows I am prone to denial and simply blocking it out. I like to forget about cancer as much of the time as I possibly can. (I think there’s a little part of me that still doesn’t quite believe it and is convinced I’m going to wake up from this nightmare.) I go through as much of my work day and my weekends as normal as possible and am usually too busy to think about it anyway. But in October there is no ignoring breast cancer. It is in your face.

If you can’t beat ’em (or ignore ’em), join ’em. So I am involved in a bunch of things this month – and probably more as the month progresses, but this is what I know about so far. I invite you all to join me, either at one of these events, supporting one of the folks fundraising or doing your own thing, like a simple self check.

  • October 12 – This will be a day for raising my own awareness. I’m attending Breast Cancer In Younger Women: A Forum for Patients and Survivors. I’m not only going because it’s being held at Lucca in Back Bay, although that’s a definite plus because I’ve wanted to eat there. I’m going to learn more about this thing I’m dealing with and meet others who are in the same boat. Hopefully we can learn from each other.
  • October 14 – The Newport Half Marathon was supposed to be my first half. I signed up for it with my cousin Tara and friends Kathy and Jessica, after going last October (when I’d just started running) to support them. Well, I am back on the sidelines this October, and Tara is running in my honor and raising funds for Dana-Farber. Sponsor her here: Tara’s Run for Dana-Farber. That same day, many of our Genzyme Running Team will also be running in Newport, supporting the National MS Society. You can donate here. (Hey, it doesn’t have to be all about breast cancer – support what is closest to your heart – and MS is yet another impacting my family and friends.) Many of us will be hanging in Newport that weekend – at least Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon – so come on down and join us for lunch, dinner, drinks, brunch, whatever!
  •  October 20 – That morning, I will be walking (and maybe a bit of running) in the 20th Annual Komen MA Race for the Cure. (Talk about a lot of pink – I think that day will take the cake!) If you didn’t get a chance to sponsor me in the Jimmy Fund Walk (and even if you did and just want to again), you’re welcome to sponsor me for this one: Amy’s fundraising page
  • October 20 – That night, I would love it if everyone wanted to join me in New Hampshire for what’s sure to be a fun night out: Nashua Harley-Davidson is having their Making Strides Against Breast Cancer Fashion Show and Live Auction. It’s from 4 – 9 p.m. in Merrimack, NH, tickets are only $10 and will benefit the American Cancer Society.  I can’t wait!

I feel like I’m forgetting something – I probably am, but that’s chemo brain for you. Oh, and it’s late and I have chemo in the morning so if I did forget something I will add it later… So in the meantime, please don’t get sick of all the pink. Just let it be a reminder of all the positive energy gathering together to support a cause – and do whatever you can to join in and be part of the change. Thank you! xoxo

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Learning to Proceed With Caution – Cautious Optimism

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, Discovery, family, hair, Planning, prayer, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2012| 4 Comments »

I think you probably know by now that I am an optimist, right? The glass is always half full, there is a reason behind everything, you can choose to be happy and make it happen, it will all work out in the end (somehow). Yes, like everyone else I hit road blocks, get frustrated, procrastinate and even whine (although I hate it) sometimes – and often this blog is where I let it out. It’s the optimist in me, though, that keeps me pushing and determined to just plow through anything (like, uh, cancer) that gets in my way. Why am I saying this? Because I know sometimes I am so determined and driven, that I can be blind to other things that I should take into consideration…

Today was week 3 of 12 weeks of Taxol, the second round of chemo. 25% there as Tara reminded me via text this morning. It went well. I remembered to take all my pre-meds (don’t ever intend to forget those again), they cut the benedryl in half, skipped some of the other onsite premeds, and I didn’t have any reaction during the Taxol. Tina and mom kept me laughing and we visited with someone from Dana-Farber working on a possible news pitch, so it went by really fast.

Then it was off to my final expansion. I’m as big as I will get – in fact, I will be a bit smaller when all is said and done because they make you go a bit bigger with the tissue expanders so that the skin will then relax naturally around the implants, which will be a bit smaller. So that surgery will be on January 2 – figure I will start the new year right: no more chemo, get on with the reconstruction and putting the horrors of this year behind me.

While I did crash for a few hours this afternoon, I am feeling much better. Yes, I am starting to feel some aches and pains and the fatigue, both of which they say will continue to increase each week, but for now all is really good. This drug is so much easier to recover from than the other two – and thank God no real nausea! Even my hair appears to be starting to grow – it’s a centimeter now! 🙂 Hopefully that will keep going and not start falling out again – we will see for sure in about two more weeks. But I have to keep in mind some other things, that aren’t so visible. Like the fact that because I am being treated every week, my blood counts will be down until December, so I need to be very careful. And I’ve been lucky so far with my nails, in that I still have them all but they are getting a bit discolored and hurting a bit, so have to go easy with them so they don’t fall off. Above all, I have to make myself go a bit easier and not push myself as much and as hard as when I was fine…

And that just isn’t easy. I want to stay late at work. I want to go out after work, whether it is for a run, meeting friends or on a date or dinner with Nick. I want to stay up late reading or writing or whatever. I want to run or at least walk the Newport half marathon that I signed up for in February before my diagnosis in March. I just have to remind myself sometimes I shouldn’t do ALL of those things ALL the time. I’ve always been one to burn the candle at both ends. Mom even wrote on the cover of my science book freshman year “all animals need some form of rest or they will die” or something like that – and because I ignored her, shortly after I got mono from sheer exhaustion and spent the next month sick in bed. (Listen to your mother, folks.)

So while I want to do so many things and act normal and not miss a thing, I need to constantly remind myself it’s a balancing act, and I am so sick of being sick, that I don’t want to do anything to elongate it. If I get a fever, I will land in the hospital. If I am sick, they will postpone chemo. And that means I will not be celebrating on Nov. 20. And depending how long I am sick, will be how long this damn thing drags out. And I DO NOT want chemo in 2013. 2013 is going to be MY YEAR and I don;’t want to share it with cancer. I want to be done.

So I will proceed with cautious optimism. I will do what I feel I can, I may push the limits some, but I will try to be smart about it. And I will try to listen to what my body (and my mother) tell me, unlike when I was 14…

I saw this on Facebook and just loved it – all good things to learn and remember…

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