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Posts Tagged ‘denial’

Jitters, AKA scared to death

Posted in Cancer, Denial, Home, tagged , , , , on April 29, 2012| 6 Comments »

I am so thankful I went out with a bunch of friends and family last night because I drank a little too much and slept like a baby. Of course that’s not the ONLY reason I’m glad I went out with them, but it was definitely a bonus. Had I not, I would have not been able to sleep and just laid there making lists in my head, worrying and probably crying. So instead, I’ve woken up refreshed – and jittery!

I am scared to death. I have never been in the hospital for anything other than my son being born, when I was so excited to finally meet and hold him, and an emergency D and C when I was having a really bad miscarriage, and then I was losing so much blood I was practically passed out, so I wasn’t worrying about anything except mourning the loss of the baby I wanted. So I am not used to this anticipation of impending doom. I was starting a depressed/bitchy spiral yesterday afternoon before going out and texted Tara that I felt like Anne Boleyn waiting for her head to get chopped off. She made me laugh with her response (“In three days you’ll be back on your way towards crazy sex and love with a king, though. And she’ll still be dead. :)” How do I argue with that? And my mood began to lift.

I have a ton of errands to do today. Things I need/want to bring to the hospital (long bathrobe, laptop cover before I destroy the new mac) and things I need/want at home (new comforter tops the list), pack for the hospital, make sure everything is in some semblance of order here and hopefully lunch with Tina and the girls. I know I am going to run around to try to keep my nerves at bay. My hands are already literally shaking and my mind (and probably my heart) is racing with a zillion things – what if I forget this, what if I don’t have time for that?!?! As I tell everyone else: Deep breath! It will all be fine. And I know whatever I miss someone else will take care of. I’m so used to doing everything for myself, it’s just hard to think that way… And in a way it’s good to be focused on that stuff because then I’m not thinking about what’s actually happening tomorrow and the longer I don’t think about that, the better, in my opinion. Yup – back to denial and I want to stay there every second I can!

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Time for breast cancer 102

Posted in Cancer, Denial, tagged , , , , , on April 25, 2012| 2 Comments »

Written this morning

I’m sitting on the plane, on my way to visit my family in Florida. What is my reading material? Two magazines: Dana Farber’s Paths of Progress and Breast Cancer Wellness. We haven’t even taken off and my eyes start to fill. I never thought this would be me. I don’t want my life to be about cancer. I don’t want to read this stuff. I want to read novels. Or the Steve Jobs biography. Or Shades of Grey, which I now see everywhere since Tina told me everyone is talking about.

Last book I read? Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy.  Don’t get me wrong – it is excellent and I am so thankful Geralyn Lucas wrote it because as far as I’ve come on my journey, so much of what she’s said is right on. We’re very similar and so I can see some of what I’m going to be going through. It isn’t all pretty, but it has a happy ending and I’m determined mine will too. (I highly recommend it for anyone wondering what this is like – or you can watch the lifetime movie based on the book – it’s free on the web site, link above. I haven’t watched it yet but plan to.)

I know I need to read, to study, to learn. At dinner last night Mike asked me if there are certain foods I should be eating now or after surgery. I know there are but I haven’t really looked into it. And he asked about other things like certain types of exercise or specific things I’ll need. I don’t know. I haven’t wanted to deal with it. Surgery is Monday. I guess it’s time to find out.

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A week of distraction and denial

Posted in Cancer, Denial, tagged , , , , on April 15, 2012| 6 Comments »

This week I pretended I don’t have cancer. It was much like the first six months of being 16 and pregnant when I simply pretended I wasn’t pregnant (yes, really, six months for those of you who don’t know the story). You’d think I’d learn that ignoring something doesn’t make it go away. (And in that case I thank God every day he didn’t go away!) Well, this time it was just a week and there’s nothing I can do about it anyway, so why not ignore it?

It was an easy week to do it. It was my first week since finding the lump that I didn’t have even one doctor’s appointment! Work was crazy busy as usual so I was able to stay busy with that. And, even more distracting, a couple of my loved ones had serious issues of their own that I was distracted by and wanted to help in any way I could. I so prefer to focus on others than on me.

I am a fixer. I try everything I can to help solve everyone’s problems and just want to help make everyone happy. But I know I can only do so much. There are some things I can’t fix – both for others and myself. And some people don’t need my help or want me to fix things for them. Sometimes you just need to give them space to do their own thing and be confident they know you’re there if they need or want you. And there are some things only prayers, well wishes and positive vibes will help. These are all things I have to remind myself when I see those close to me in pain.

It was back to reality yesterday as I realized what day it was: exactly one month from when I found the first lump. I can’t believe it’s only been a month – it seems like a lifetime. Only two weeks until surgery, and so much to do before then. I expect to hear the results of the genetic test early this week, have an appointment with my GP for a vaccine and some other tests one day, and my pre-op another. Makes it a little harder to pretend it’s not happening…

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