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Posts Tagged ‘mastectomy’

Just a quick update before I fall asleep (again) to let all know I am doing well! Week two of the Taxol went a million times better than week one. While I’m not 100% sure what caused the improvement, I think the heavy meds probably helped! I took (following doctor’s orders) three decadron and an ativan early this morning before heading to Dana-Farber.

Once at the hospital, it took a while to find a new vein to use – the one in my left hand is pretty well gone – last week’s infusion was incredibly painful from my hand down through my arm, so we decided it’s fried from all the A/C. (I don’t have good veins – they are small and I’ve never even been allowed to donate blood, so they aren’t loving this.) We can’t use any in the right arm, since all my lymph nodes were removed in surgery – can’t even have blood pressure cuffs on that arm ever again. (Note to self: must do better protecting that arm…) So after trying a bunch of things like hanging my arm down and making fists, covering it in warm, wet compresses, etc., we found a vein that would do – and it seemed to work well, with minimal pain.

After the labs (all looked good), it was back to Benedryl. Had 50 milligrams again and was not sick – yay! Then more Decadron and Ativan, Prilosec and finally Taxol. Throughout all I was pretty hazy, trying to be an active participant in mom and Tina’s conversation, but I honestly couldn’t tell you too much of what was talked about. Yes, they laughed at me somewhat swaying down the hallway when we were through, commenting on my high, but were also there to catch me when I stumbled, so I’ll forgive them! 😉 The main thing was I made it through without any of the major reactions/side effects, and then went home and pretty much crashed.

But tonight I had my energy back and mom and I even took a brief walk to the Brookline Booksmith, the bookstore around the corner, and was surprised to see a blast from my teen years: Molly Ringwald! What girl didn’t identify with her in at least one of my teen favorites, like Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles (Aw, Jake!) or The Breakfast Club??? So I had to do it – I bought her book and had her sign it.

Now it’s back to work tomorrow, and to bed now so I can say my prayers and thank God for such a good day. Two down, ten to go!

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I am frustrated. (Big surprise, huh?) I just don’t feel right and I am not myself and I hate that. I know I need to accept it for now, but I just don’t want to. But I had another reality slap yesterday that is forcing me there.

Nick and I went to visit my family briefly for my Aunt Kris’s 60th birthday (happy birthday again, Aunt Kris!) and then decided to pop over to Gillette to see some of Patriots training camp, which we try to hit each year at least once. I even had my Nikon with me, which I don’t think I’ve used at all this year. Well, to make a long story short, we made it across a field of people, found a great spot to sit, and I lasted all of about 20 minutes.

It came on so suddenly! Yes, it was hot, and Nick had even just bought me a second bottle of cold water so I’d stay hydrated, but all of the sudden I just lost my breath and my whole body went weak and knew I had to get out of there. I clutched Nick’s arm and told him I was going to pass out.

We were escorted to a tent and I insisted I would be fine, I just needed the shade and water. So we rested and left. So disappointing. It took all my energy just to make it to the car and then the couch.

So I know I need to go easy on myself. To not push. And to accept that I can’t do everything I’m used to doing. But saying the words is a lot easier than actually doing it.

Coincidentally, I had a couple of good, long talks with two friends this weekend, both who have been through cancer in the last couple of years, and they reminded me of the same thing. And they are both really strong, thriving women who look and feel fabulous now. Hearing their stories each scared me in different ways, but inspired me, too, as seeing how fabulous they are now, I know that can be me – WILL be me – in a year or two, too. I just need to be patient, and accept that I’ll probably have a few more epic fails along the way…

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One of my friends posted on Facebook today: Some days I just really wish I could just run away. I commented: me too. I actually woke up thinking that, as soon as I realized that tomorrow was Round 3. (I am so sick of being sick!!!!!!) I put the thought aside and went to work, immersing myself in all I had to do, and having fun watching people do double takes when they saw me as a blonde. Hey, I have to have SOME fun with this!

But when my friend Phil asked me this afternoon if I was ready for tomorrow, I deflated. I shook my head and said no, I’d rather run away and avoid it completely. He nodded and, as usual, gave me some pretty good advice. He said to think of it as after tomorrow, I’ll be 75% there. It’s like thinking about the last mile when you’re running: you can always do that final mile. And thinking about it that way, I know he’s right. I can do it – even though I really don’t want to.

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