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Posts Tagged ‘prayer’

The mental side of running

Posted in Alone, Boston, Cancer, connections, Decisions, family, tagged , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Running isn’t just good for me (and you) physically, it helps mentally, too. Phil always told me that when he has something big to think about, he goes for a run. And he’s right. Even with my music blaring in one ear (I never put both ear pods in – learned that in self-defence class – always stay aware of your surroundings), I can think more clearly and better concentrate on a run. This first run I thought about a million things, but the one that really stands out is my upcoming meeting Thursday morning at Dana-Farber.

I received a letter the other day from the Development office at Dana-Farber, wanting to thank me for my significant donation in December and to find out why I made it – what my story is. And boy, will they get a different story than they probably expect – it’s certainly evolved since I wrote that check! So as I ran, I began to think about what I will tell them.

And halfway across the Harvard Bridge (amongst the ‘Smoots’), I began to cry. I cried as I ran (thank goodness, once again, for sunglasses) and thought about telling them how devastated I’d been in mid-December when my dear school friend Sarah found out that her 10-month-old daughter has cancer – a neuroblastoma in her lower pelvic area and a nodule in her lung. It was so unfair!!!  I thought about the other people close to me who’ve been hit so hard by cancer, like my friend Kristen who lost her brother Greg after his long, brave fight with the disease. And it being close to Christmas, I thought how no one really needs anything more than health and decided to make that donation to Dana-Farber in honor of Mirany and everyone impacted by cancer. I printed out the donation cards from the website and give those to people instead of other gifts for Christmas. And then March came… I cried some more, just thinking about how I’ve gotten to know Dana-Farber more than I ever wanted to.

I am happy to share my story with them (heck, I can just give them this blog address!), my heart just breaks for Sarah, Scott and Mirany’s lives, my life, my family and friends going through this with me, all of us, and wish in this one way we were all where we were last November: blissfully ignorant of this damn thing called cancer.

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Two weeks

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, family, Home, Planning, prayer, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2012| 5 Comments »

I am actually scared to start writing tonight. So much has happened in the last 24 hours, never mind the last two weeks, that I’m afraid if I start, I won’t stop. And I just don’t have the energy like I had… well, even two weeks ago! My sincere apologies for being so silent. Everything has been at such a whirlwind pace, and then I was knocked on my butt – and I’m not sure if I’ll really be back to full speed until this whole nightmare subsides. (I’m done kidding myself it will ever really be over.) But there I go, starting to go on and on, and I really need to just get to the point – well, all the points – the highlights from the last two weeks (although I’m not sure I see most of them exactly as highlights…).

Starting at the end (well, now): I am writing this on my back-up laptop (thank goodness I kept it). And that’s  because last night my new Mac Airbook was stolen out of Tara’s car while we were at the movies. Not only was the laptop in my backpack, but so were my chemo meds. I was very thankful I only had them with me as backup in case I was sick, but had finished the days of ‘must-have’ meds the day before. But still so frustrating and nerve-wracking. I think we’re both still in a bit of shock over it. And I keep remembering other things that were in (of course) my favorite backpack: my favorite pair of running pants, my Hannah Banana yellow shirt, my Kindle charger, my full coupon case and my pink Dana Farber Red Sox hat – and just when I need all the hats I can get!

One thing that I was relieved to find in my pocketbook, rather than lost with the backpack, was the running list I’ve been keeping of all the things I’ve been meaning to write about here. So now I’m going to literally list them and just comment a bit – and possibly at some point I’ll go back and elaborate, but I don’t have time or energy now and I don’t want them to be forgotten… 

  • Going back to work was definitely better than I imagined. The people I work with are amazing – so unbelievably supportive, caring and helpful. They made it so wonderful and easy to be back – and no, I didn’t feel like the circus freak at all.
  • Of course, what’s hard about it is balancing my new reality of being a cancer patient and all that goes along with it – the doctor’s appointments, physical therapy and simply learning what I need to know about what is happening and will be happening to my body – and what I need to do to help it. There is so much to learn and know and do, and not enough hours in the day. I also don’t want that to be my sole focus, as I’ve said before, so work is good.
  • While I tried to take it easy that first week back, there was so much happening, and I was feeling good, so I just kind of got swept into it all – and I think lulled into a bit of a false sense of the worst being over. As if the surgery was the worst part. Ha! Was I wrong! But before we get to that…
  • So I made the most of that one week of having energy, being back to work, and acting normal: Kristen and I went and did our part for the Jimmy Fund by attending the Scooper Bowl – if you haven’t been, put it on your calendar for next year: all you can eat ice cream! Mike gave Nick, Kristen and me tickets to the Red Sox and we had a blast. I joined Alicia for her company’s networking event. I visited Tina and my Goddaughters and was treated to my own personal Memorial Day concert. And Nick babysat for Ella and Will while Tara and I spent a Sunday afternoon dressed up at her work’s garden party.  
  • Amidst it all was a ton of apartment hunting. Long story short, we did find one and will be moving to Brookline on June 29 – just before round two of chemo.
  • Speaking of chemo – round one was on Tuesday. Chaos started Monday afternoon when we realized Nick was sick and he was worried about getting me sick before chemo. It all worked out fine, but he wasn’t able to join us Tuesday morning. But we certainly had a party, with mom, Mark, Tina, Tara and Jay. And Sarah stopped by because Mirany also had an appointment that day. So they gave us a great corner with a view, and in addition to my poison, I was treated to a hand massage, lunch and visits from doctors and a therapist. Quite a full day, peppered with laughter thanks to all and a ton of food courtesy of Tara!
  • While the actual chemo session was fine, the rest has not been so great. I got sick a few hours later. And then had a strange local reaction in my right arm, which luckily went away by Wednesday. But I was still nauseous and exhausted Wednesday – and Thursday, too, much to my disappointment. Nick and mom made it clear there was no even attempting to go back to work Thursday, and I didn’t have the energy to argue. I am still upset to find I am not one of the people to sail through chemo. And not looking forward to the next three rounds.
  • And that may not be the end. My oncologist has now recommended adding 12 more weeks of another chemo drug after we finish these 12 weeks. I’ll explain more about it later – I’m still thinking…
  • Especially now that I’ve seen how just this first bit has wiped me out. Not only my energy level (which is so low) and the faint ongoing nausea and metallic taste, but what I feel like it’s doing with my head. I think slower. I am not myself. And that is so frustrating…
  • Yesterday, before the robbery, Nick and I joined a whole bunch of our family for the Spina Bifida Walk and Roll, as part of my cousin Hannah’s team – Hannah’s Bananas. It was so good to see everyone, and especially to be there for Hannah, but it was depressing that I am so tired after only a mile and a half, even at a slow pace. 
  • And after the walk, Nick and I went to Leane’s and she cut my hair again – this time, as Nick put it, I look like him. It’s supposed to start to fall out later this week and it was still too long for me to handle the chucks of it falling out. And on Tuesday afternoon we have the wig fitting party, and it will be better if I have less hair for the fitting. Leane always cuts hair beautifully, but I can’t bring myself to embrace this cut on me. It is what it is – a necessary step. And I will get through it.

Those are the biggest things, I guess. I know I forgot some things, and I’m sorry. But at least that’s all for right now because I am exhausted and have to get some sleep so I’ll have hope of waking up and functioning in the morning so I can make it through a full day at work!

Thank you again for every ounce of love and thoughts and prayers – I feel and cherish every single one…

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Shifting prayers

Posted in family, prayer, recovery, tagged , , , , on May 14, 2012| 1 Comment »

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I know, and am incredibly thankful for, the unbelievable amount of prayers being said for me daily around the world. I would appreciate it if you could add to those a bit: we spent today at the hospital with my grandfather, who had a stroke early this morning and fell down the stairs. My instinct, of course, is to pray for him to live, for us all to have more days with him. While he has lived a good, long life – tomorrow is his 82nd birthday! – none of us are ready to say goodbye to him. Who ever is?

But that may be selfish. He is an active, energetic man, in both body and mind, and would hate to be confined to a bed and to not have control over his body – he’s a bad patient, as one of my family members said today. So I am praying for God to do what is best for Grampa – whether that is to take him home to heaven, or to grant us some more precious time with him – and that he hopefully will be well enough to be at his Cape house with all of us this summer, as we’ve planned.

What’s interesting is that through last night’s insomnia, I prayed quite a bit – more than I have in a very long time. It occurred to me that one of the things I have not done enough of lately is pray (yes, you can say ‘duh’). And to not necessarily pray for what I want. I think there’s a lot of truth in Garth Brooks’ song Unanswered Prayers: Remember when you’re talkin’ to the man upstairs, That just because he doesn’t answer doesn’t mean he don’t care, Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. So I usually leave it to Him to determine what is best. Even though I don’t always know why some things happen, I do believe they usually happen for a reason. And praying, and putting my concerns in God’s hands, simply makes me feel better.

Interestingly, I prayed last night for today to be different since I’m starting to go stir crazy in my house, but I didn’t expect the hospital to be my change of scenery – although it was nice to be with many family members I haven’t seen in so long. (Why is it that it often takes tragedy to bring people together?) It was very tiring; many encouraged me to go home and rest, but I had a make-shift bed in the waiting room and could rest there as well as I could at home. (And thank you, Nick, for going home to get my pills – couldn’t have made it through the day without them…) It really was an exhausting day. Another thing I prayed for last night was to no longer have insomnia but I didn’t expect a long day at the hospital to be what would tire me out – I do believe I will be asleep before 2 a.m. for the first time since I was being drugged to sleep each night.

With my grandfather, we do have hope. I left him just a couple of hours ago. Throughout the day he went from completely unresponsive to now moving quite a bit in bed, squeezing our hands, opening one eye off and on, and nodding in response to some questions. He can hear, understand and acknowledge us. But he still has a very, very long way to go, should God chose to let him stay with us for a while more. There may be another blood clot, and he is having heart issues on top of the stroke. So thank you for adding him to your powerful prayers and positive thoughts. I know he and my entire family will appreciate them as much as I do…

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