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Posts Tagged ‘recovery’

Good riddance to the A/C chemo cocktail!

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Discovery, hair, Planning, prayer, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on August 16, 2012| Leave a Comment »

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Phil was right – you can do anything once. So I did get through the last round, at least so far. I am not feeling great, but not horrid either, and for that I am very thankful! After feeling similar last time and then crashing later, I am taking it easy and being cautious.

I did smile for real once the chemo party got started, as you can see in the pics. Not only did we celebrate the last of the worst chemo cocktail, we celebrated Vanessa’s birthday with a yummy cake made by Tara. And while he’s not in the pictures because he had to leave a bit early, Nick was with us for the first part of our celebration, too – I couldn’t ask for a more loving, supportive son. I am very lucky.

And yes, also as you can see from the pictures, I tried embracing the blonde a bit to see if I could get used to it. Not exactly my favorite, but I will be happy with my real hair no matter how it grows in! Just to have my own again will be so nice! I got encouraging news, both from my oncologist, who said hair grows in rounds, so some parts will grow at certain times, and then other parts at other times, and then from a fellow cancer survivor who said that her hair began growing in between rounds 3 and 4 of A/C and through Taxol, and is now up to 2″ – so maybe I will stop having Nick shave my head and see what happens… maybe I will have some hair before the end of the year!

I also got my new schedule: I have three weeks off and will start Taxol once a week for 12 weeks on Tuesday, September 4. Then I will be able to work every Monday, have treatment Tuesday, and hopefully be able to work Wed – Fri each week – at least Thurs and Fri – but we’ll see how it goes… Then I should have my last one Nov. 20 and will truly have so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!!!

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Wishes

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, Dreams, family, hair, London, prayer, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 6, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I am making a wish on each eyelash that I catch as it falls out. All those wishes have to add up, right? I refuse to waste a wish on anything pointless, like wishing that my eyelashes and eyebrows wouldn’t fall out, although I really don’t want them to. So what am I wishing for? Like birthday wishes, I don’t think you’re supposed to tell or they won’t come true. But I bet you can guess – they’re pretty much the same things that I pray for…

So I guess I can tell you more of the things that I wish but don’t waste the eyelash wishes on:

  • I wish the hair on my head would either all grow or not grow at all – it is so annoying having these patches of hair growing on my head! I really feel like a chia pet. Luckily, Nick is home from London and offered to shave my head again. I think I will be taking him up on that…
  • I wish people wouldn’t worry about me so much. Tonight I told Nick I was going for a run and he looked all serious and said “Really? Ok, but be careful. What time will you be back?” It is sweet. But I really do feel fine, these in-between weeks, after the initial week of hell and the next infusion. I can run, I can babysit, I can work, I can drive. I am good. And I feel bad wishing this – I am so, so thankful so many people care about me. I just wish they wouldn’t worry so much… 🙂 And yes, I am blocking out the incident at Training Camp, but that was also because I was stupid and rushed being better – I was still in that first week post-chemo. I will try to be smarter this next round…
  • I wish I could go to my cheap nail salon and get my regular mani/pedi’s again. Oh how I (and my hands and my feet) miss them…
  • I wish I didn’t have chemo brain. I hate it when I am not at the top of my game. And according to Sue, chemo brain lasts for months and months after the chemo stops. So I won’t be back 100% until well into 2013. Ugh. Good excuse for why I won’t be winning at trivia though. 🙂
  • I wish I had unlimited funds so I could buy more wigs. Now that I’ve started wearing them, they’re not so bad. But I don’t like to wear the same one all the time, I like to mix it up between wigs and hats just to try to have fun with it. Now to buy the electric blue one…
  • And then the most pointless wish of all: I wish I wasn’t sick! I know, as people keep reminding me, I am officially cancer free since the surgery, but the fact is the chemo makes me more sick than I ever felt with the cancer! I do understand why it had to be cut out and why I now have to go through all this chemo to kill all the cancer cells (especially after talking to my friend Laura who had it come back again, even after having a mastectomy!), but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

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Epic fail

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, Decisions, Denial, recovery, tagged , , , , , , , on July 29, 2012| 3 Comments »

I am frustrated. (Big surprise, huh?) I just don’t feel right and I am not myself and I hate that. I know I need to accept it for now, but I just don’t want to. But I had another reality slap yesterday that is forcing me there.

Nick and I went to visit my family briefly for my Aunt Kris’s 60th birthday (happy birthday again, Aunt Kris!) and then decided to pop over to Gillette to see some of Patriots training camp, which we try to hit each year at least once. I even had my Nikon with me, which I don’t think I’ve used at all this year. Well, to make a long story short, we made it across a field of people, found a great spot to sit, and I lasted all of about 20 minutes.

It came on so suddenly! Yes, it was hot, and Nick had even just bought me a second bottle of cold water so I’d stay hydrated, but all of the sudden I just lost my breath and my whole body went weak and knew I had to get out of there. I clutched Nick’s arm and told him I was going to pass out.

We were escorted to a tent and I insisted I would be fine, I just needed the shade and water. So we rested and left. So disappointing. It took all my energy just to make it to the car and then the couch.

So I know I need to go easy on myself. To not push. And to accept that I can’t do everything I’m used to doing. But saying the words is a lot easier than actually doing it.

Coincidentally, I had a couple of good, long talks with two friends this weekend, both who have been through cancer in the last couple of years, and they reminded me of the same thing. And they are both really strong, thriving women who look and feel fabulous now. Hearing their stories each scared me in different ways, but inspired me, too, as seeing how fabulous they are now, I know that can be me – WILL be me – in a year or two, too. I just need to be patient, and accept that I’ll probably have a few more epic fails along the way…

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