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I forgot

Posted in Alone, Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, Discovery, hair, tagged , , , , on September 6, 2012| 4 Comments »

This is going to sound so stupid. I feel so stupid…

I just got home after a very long day (I went out for a bit after work), and the first thing I mindlessly did was pull off my wig and toss it on the couch. I rubbed my head a million times, all over, as it was hot under all that hair! I then went about my business, flipping through the mail, checking my e-mail, glancing at facebook, grabbing some leftovers from the fridge.

My hunger subsided, I grabbed my book and headed to my bedroom. (Yes, welcome to my exciting life.) I threw the book on my bed, reached up to take my necklace off and turned to my bureau. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and froze for a minute before breaking down in tears. I forgot. I simply forgot I was bald.

All day long when I saw myself in a mirror, I had shoulder-length brown hair. As I walked tonight in Harvard Square and caught my reflection in the storefront windows, I saw myself with hair. All day it was annoying me, getting in my eyes and making me sweat in the humidity. I couldn’t wait to get home and tear it off my head. And even when I got home and did take it off, it still didn’t register in my mind what it actually meant until I saw myself in my bedroom mirror.

It’s been two months now. I shaved my head (because my hair was falling out so fast) on June 30. And I don’t think I will ever get used to it or actually like it. But sometimes I think it’s actually better for me just to be bald most of the time – to make myself get used to it. To force myself to face my reality. To remind myself that I actually am sick and I shouldn’t always push myself so hard, so I don’t overdo it. But I long to be normal so much that I can’t help but put on one of the wigs to play dress up and trick myself into thinking I am a regular thirty-something girl who just blends in with the crowd – not one who people stare at because they’re not used to seeing a bald woman.

I guess there is a time for both. A time for remembering and a time for forgetting. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much each time I’m jarred back from my fantasyland…

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OUR story

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, family, Fundraising, tagged , , , , , , on August 21, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Nick and I had our five minutes of fame today on the 11thAnnual WEEI / NESN Jimmy Fund Radio-Telethon. I have to admit, listening to the telethon while driving to work, I was really second guessing why in the world they would want ME on their show – every patient’s story that I heard was so much more tragic, inspiring, complicated, heart-tugging – just so much more compelling than mine! But I’d already committed, and who was I to judge?

I was glad Nick came with me, especially when they asked if he wanted to join us in the studio. We got the usual “he’s too old to be your son!” comments, and then launched right in. It occurred to me as we spoke that my story is not MY story. It is so many stories intertwined. It’s Kristen, and Greg and the whole Montalbano family’s story. It’s Mirany, Sarah and Scott’s story. It’s my family and friends’ story. It’s Nick’s story. Cancer does not happen to one person. It happens to everyone whose lives they touch. And I am so blessed to have an incredible circle to share with – both the good and the bad. And I’ve been fortunate to have people like Kristen and Sarah share their cancer experiences with me to help make mine a little easier. And that’s what I hope to continue to do for others…

If you didn’t get a chance to tune in today, here’s the link – the Nick parts are, of course, my favorite! http://audio.weei.com/a/61626264/m-m-amy-atwood-and-son-nick.htm I was truly relieved to learn money WAS raised while we were on air (my real nightmare was that the phones would stop ringing during our segment…). And it’s not too late – the telethon continues through tomorrow, simply text KCANCER to 20222 to make a $10 donation or call 1-877-738-1234 or click here to donate the amount of your choice!

As a thank you, we were given two tickets to tonight’s Red Sox game. Since Nick had his first night at his new job, Kristen joined me.  It was a beautiful night to be at Fenway, although not the best night for the Sox…

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Five months?!?!

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, connections, Discovery, Fundraising, prayer, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

I honestly cannot believe it: today is five months since I was sitting in my office and got the call from my doctor saying “you have breast cancer.” In some ways, it feels like a lifetime – I hardly remember a time when cancer wasn’t consuming my life. In other ways, I don’t know where these last five months have gone – I feel like it was just February, we were finishing the shutdown and celebrating my 38th birthday. (What a dud 38 has turned out to be – bring on 39!!!!)

But as much of a nightmare as this has all been, anyone who knows me knows that I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I refuse to curl up in a ball and cry endlessly (although I let myself for a few minutes every now and then…), become useless or a burden and just accept my fate. I am not going to over-analyze this and whine ‘why me’ over and over, either. In fact, I don’t think I have to – I think now maybe I know why me…

Just as I sat down to write this, my phone rang. I was so relieved to see my friend’s name. It was only a month ago that she told me the horrific news that she’d found a lump. I refered her to my fabulous dream team at Dana-Farber and it was confirmed as breast cancer. And today she was having a lumpectomy. While I’d heard she made it through fine, I was excited to hear her voice and know it for sure. I exclaimed my relief over the news that the doctors said all went well and they believe they caught it early and it’s all gone. And she said, “It’s thanks to you. You reminding everyone to check.” And that’s it. Maybe that is why. Maybe I needed to go through this so others can catch it early enough and stop it. Words can’t express how thankful I am that she found that lump and stopped it. That makes every second of this journey worth it.

So please – do your self-checks. And tell your sisters, mothers, wives, lovers, friends, daughters, everyone, to do their checks, too. But it’s not enough. We have to stop the damn c-word completely! As some of you know, I am excited to have two opportunities to help in the collective fight against cancer:

  • Tomorrow (Tuesday, August 21) at 1:15 p.m. I will be interviewed live on the 11thAnnual WEEI / NESN Jimmy Fund Radio-Telethon – Events – The Jimmy Fund. (WEEI is Boston’s sports radio station – 93.7 FM and 850 AM and you can listen live online at www.weei.com; It may also be simulcast on TV (NESN), but that’s TBD.) They are going to interview me about my personal cancer experience, my interactions at Dana-Farber, etc. Hopefully I’ll be able to help some cancer survivors know they are not alone in their experiences and inspire some people to donate and help conquer cancer. (And hopefully I won’t embarrass myself on live radio/TV…)
  • I’m also honored that my childhood friend Heather Forbes started a team for me in the Jimmy Fund Boston Marathon Walk on September 9. I am thrilled to be feeling healthy enough to walk the last three miles with the team, so have registered. Our team is still looking for walkers (and supporters), so if you are able, please join us – there are multiple legs, you don’t have to do the whole 26.2 miles! For more information on walking or donating: Amy’s Jimmy Fund Walk Page.

Thank you: every prayer, every self-check, every step walked, every penny donated: together we really can make a difference in this fight!

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