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Yes, today was the Boston Marathon Jimmy Fund Walk. And while for the past several weeks, we’ve been fundraising as much as possible (thank you, thank you, thank you to EVERYONE who donated!!!!), the walk is not just about money. It’s about people. Dana-Farber and The Jimmy Fund know that – that’s why they had patient and doctor quotes all over the place, from start to finish. And they highlighted a patient at every mile marker. Our team, Amy’s Victorious Secret (Heather named it – and had the shirts made), wanted to highlight people, too. We did that by decorating (thanks to Heather’s mom, Diane, and her love of craft materials) the backs of those very pink shirts with names.

So many names came to mind. Diane, Heather, Amanda, Jennene and I sat around Diane’s dining room table (after eating a fabulous feast for which we also had Diane to thank) trying the fabric markers, arranging stickers and trying not to smudge the fabric paint as we shared the names we were adding to our shirts. And for some, the people and stories behind the letters on the shirts.

For me, it started with donations: some friends who donated were honoring loved ones by donating, and I wanted to recognize that, and honor them, too. Then there are those who, like me, are fighting right now (or recently) and I wanted them to know they are in my heart, mind and prayers, and that I am rooting for them. There are also names of people who fought their fights and won – and have shared their words of wisdom and been sources of inspiration for me. This was one more way I could say thank you. Finally, some of the names are family members or friends who have passed away and I wanted to remember them.

This was also about the people around me today: new friends like Amanda and Jennene; old friends like Kevin, Jeremy and Diane; and especially about Heather, who has been one of my dearest friends since we were in the fifth grade and wanted to be Solid Gold Dancers. Let me tell you about Heather…

Heather has been a source of inspiration for me since we were 10-years-old and she refused to listen to other kids on the playground when they told her I wasn’t cool and she shouldn’t play with me. She has always been true to herself, never caring what anyone else thinks. And because she has such an incredibly lovable and optimistic personality, everyone wants to be her friend. Heather has faced more physical trials than most people I know. We joked last night that not only shouldn’t we keep everyone up with our talking and giggling all night (we slept over Heather’s parents’ house, just like the old days), but we also shouldn’t have any late-night hospital visits! I’m afraid Heather used to have such bad asthma attacks, it wasn’t unusual for us to have to make a road trip in the middle of the night to make sure she was ok. During the day at school, we had to watch everything she ate – because as much as she loved food (and somehow never put on an ounce of weight), she was allergic to practically everything!

Then Heather was diagnosed with severe scoliosis. Not only did she have to wear a large plastic brace through much of high school, she also had to have multiple surgeries to have rods placed in her back (and fixed when they broke). I’ll never forget our conversations (often with our other best friend Nicole) about the future, and questioning if Heather would ever be able to have children or be able to dance again…

Well, not only did she have children, she married her high school sweetheart Jeremy (who I got her together with at a dance – he’s the tall one in the pictures), had four incredible children (including twin boys who are just starting college – and her two youngest are in the decorating photos above) and we spent our last birthdays dancing the nights away. No, she did not become a Solid Gold dancer: she became one of the best nurses in the industry. In fact, she is even teaching her first college course this year, sharing her knowledge with others.

Just about two years ago, we had a huge scare: Heather was in a bad car accident and broke her back. Amazingly, you would never know it today. In fact, last year she walked the full 26.2 mile Jimmy Fund Boston Marathon Walk with Amanda. And this year, right after I was diagnosed, Heather asked if she could start a team for this year’s walk in my honor. How could I, why would I, say no? (Of course the picture she posted on the team site was another thing… 😉 )

Heather’s unstoppable energy, resilience and determination have been an inspiration to me the majority of my life. And no matter how much time goes by that we don’t talk, how busy our lives get, I know that she is always there for me – always has my back – and that when we get together, it won’t seem like a moment has passed.

Thank you for today, Heath, and for always being one of my angels on earth – love you!

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This is going to sound so stupid. I feel so stupid…

I just got home after a very long day (I went out for a bit after work), and the first thing I mindlessly did was pull off my wig and toss it on the couch. I rubbed my head a million times, all over, as it was hot under all that hair! I then went about my business, flipping through the mail, checking my e-mail, glancing at facebook, grabbing some leftovers from the fridge.

My hunger subsided, I grabbed my book and headed to my bedroom. (Yes, welcome to my exciting life.) I threw the book on my bed, reached up to take my necklace off and turned to my bureau. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and froze for a minute before breaking down in tears. I forgot. I simply forgot I was bald.

All day long when I saw myself in a mirror, I had shoulder-length brown hair. As I walked tonight in Harvard Square and caught my reflection in the storefront windows, I saw myself with hair. All day it was annoying me, getting in my eyes and making me sweat in the humidity. I couldn’t wait to get home and tear it off my head. And even when I got home and did take it off, it still didn’t register in my mind what it actually meant until I saw myself in my bedroom mirror.

It’s been two months now. I shaved my head (because my hair was falling out so fast) on June 30. And I don’t think I will ever get used to it or actually like it. But sometimes I think it’s actually better for me just to be bald most of the time – to make myself get used to it. To force myself to face my reality. To remind myself that I actually am sick and I shouldn’t always push myself so hard, so I don’t overdo it. But I long to be normal so much that I can’t help but put on one of the wigs to play dress up and trick myself into thinking I am a regular thirty-something girl who just blends in with the crowd – not one who people stare at because they’re not used to seeing a bald woman.

I guess there is a time for both. A time for remembering and a time for forgetting. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much each time I’m jarred back from my fantasyland…

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I honestly cannot believe it: today is five months since I was sitting in my office and got the call from my doctor saying “you have breast cancer.” In some ways, it feels like a lifetime – I hardly remember a time when cancer wasn’t consuming my life. In other ways, I don’t know where these last five months have gone – I feel like it was just February, we were finishing the shutdown and celebrating my 38th birthday. (What a dud 38 has turned out to be – bring on 39!!!!)

But as much of a nightmare as this has all been, anyone who knows me knows that I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I refuse to curl up in a ball and cry endlessly (although I let myself for a few minutes every now and then…), become useless or a burden and just accept my fate. I am not going to over-analyze this and whine ‘why me’ over and over, either. In fact, I don’t think I have to – I think now maybe I know why me…

Just as I sat down to write this, my phone rang. I was so relieved to see my friend’s name. It was only a month ago that she told me the horrific news that she’d found a lump. I refered her to my fabulous dream team at Dana-Farber and it was confirmed as breast cancer. And today she was having a lumpectomy. While I’d heard she made it through fine, I was excited to hear her voice and know it for sure. I exclaimed my relief over the news that the doctors said all went well and they believe they caught it early and it’s all gone. And she said, “It’s thanks to you. You reminding everyone to check.” And that’s it. Maybe that is why. Maybe I needed to go through this so others can catch it early enough and stop it. Words can’t express how thankful I am that she found that lump and stopped it. That makes every second of this journey worth it.

So please – do your self-checks. And tell your sisters, mothers, wives, lovers, friends, daughters, everyone, to do their checks, too. But it’s not enough. We have to stop the damn c-word completely! As some of you know, I am excited to have two opportunities to help in the collective fight against cancer:

  • Tomorrow (Tuesday, August 21) at 1:15 p.m. I will be interviewed live on the 11thAnnual WEEI / NESN Jimmy Fund Radio-Telethon – Events – The Jimmy Fund. (WEEI is Boston’s sports radio station – 93.7 FM and 850 AM and you can listen live online at www.weei.com; It may also be simulcast on TV (NESN), but that’s TBD.) They are going to interview me about my personal cancer experience, my interactions at Dana-Farber, etc. Hopefully I’ll be able to help some cancer survivors know they are not alone in their experiences and inspire some people to donate and help conquer cancer. (And hopefully I won’t embarrass myself on live radio/TV…)
  • I’m also honored that my childhood friend Heather Forbes started a team for me in the Jimmy Fund Boston Marathon Walk on September 9. I am thrilled to be feeling healthy enough to walk the last three miles with the team, so have registered. Our team is still looking for walkers (and supporters), so if you are able, please join us – there are multiple legs, you don’t have to do the whole 26.2 miles! For more information on walking or donating: Amy’s Jimmy Fund Walk Page.

Thank you: every prayer, every self-check, every step walked, every penny donated: together we really can make a difference in this fight!

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