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Posts Tagged ‘reality’

Learning to Proceed With Caution – Cautious Optimism

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, Denial, Discovery, family, hair, Planning, prayer, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 18, 2012| 4 Comments »

I think you probably know by now that I am an optimist, right? The glass is always half full, there is a reason behind everything, you can choose to be happy and make it happen, it will all work out in the end (somehow). Yes, like everyone else I hit road blocks, get frustrated, procrastinate and even whine (although I hate it) sometimes – and often this blog is where I let it out. It’s the optimist in me, though, that keeps me pushing and determined to just plow through anything (like, uh, cancer) that gets in my way. Why am I saying this? Because I know sometimes I am so determined and driven, that I can be blind to other things that I should take into consideration…

Today was week 3 of 12 weeks of Taxol, the second round of chemo. 25% there as Tara reminded me via text this morning. It went well. I remembered to take all my pre-meds (don’t ever intend to forget those again), they cut the benedryl in half, skipped some of the other onsite premeds, and I didn’t have any reaction during the Taxol. Tina and mom kept me laughing and we visited with someone from Dana-Farber working on a possible news pitch, so it went by really fast.

Then it was off to my final expansion. I’m as big as I will get – in fact, I will be a bit smaller when all is said and done because they make you go a bit bigger with the tissue expanders so that the skin will then relax naturally around the implants, which will be a bit smaller. So that surgery will be on January 2 – figure I will start the new year right: no more chemo, get on with the reconstruction and putting the horrors of this year behind me.

While I did crash for a few hours this afternoon, I am feeling much better. Yes, I am starting to feel some aches and pains and the fatigue, both of which they say will continue to increase each week, but for now all is really good. This drug is so much easier to recover from than the other two – and thank God no real nausea! Even my hair appears to be starting to grow – it’s a centimeter now! 🙂 Hopefully that will keep going and not start falling out again – we will see for sure in about two more weeks. But I have to keep in mind some other things, that aren’t so visible. Like the fact that because I am being treated every week, my blood counts will be down until December, so I need to be very careful. And I’ve been lucky so far with my nails, in that I still have them all but they are getting a bit discolored and hurting a bit, so have to go easy with them so they don’t fall off. Above all, I have to make myself go a bit easier and not push myself as much and as hard as when I was fine…

And that just isn’t easy. I want to stay late at work. I want to go out after work, whether it is for a run, meeting friends or on a date or dinner with Nick. I want to stay up late reading or writing or whatever. I want to run or at least walk the Newport half marathon that I signed up for in February before my diagnosis in March. I just have to remind myself sometimes I shouldn’t do ALL of those things ALL the time. I’ve always been one to burn the candle at both ends. Mom even wrote on the cover of my science book freshman year “all animals need some form of rest or they will die” or something like that – and because I ignored her, shortly after I got mono from sheer exhaustion and spent the next month sick in bed. (Listen to your mother, folks.)

So while I want to do so many things and act normal and not miss a thing, I need to constantly remind myself it’s a balancing act, and I am so sick of being sick, that I don’t want to do anything to elongate it. If I get a fever, I will land in the hospital. If I am sick, they will postpone chemo. And that means I will not be celebrating on Nov. 20. And depending how long I am sick, will be how long this damn thing drags out. And I DO NOT want chemo in 2013. 2013 is going to be MY YEAR and I don;’t want to share it with cancer. I want to be done.

So I will proceed with cautious optimism. I will do what I feel I can, I may push the limits some, but I will try to be smart about it. And I will try to listen to what my body (and my mother) tell me, unlike when I was 14…

I saw this on Facebook and just loved it – all good things to learn and remember…

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Friends are The Good Stuff!

Posted in Cancer, chemotherapy, prayer, recovery, tagged , , , on August 28, 2012| 3 Comments »

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Saturday night, Tina and I went to the Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw concert at Gillette. I’d been looking forward to this since buying the tickets in, I think, February. I remember thanking God when I got my chemo schedule because the concert was almost two weeks after my fourth chemo round and I figured I’d be able to drag myself there even if I still wasn’t feeling well. And luckily I was already back to feeling just fine!

When we got to the stadium, Tina surprised me with a letter. Not just ANY letter, but one that she wrote using Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw song titles. And I’m not just sharing it because it is so cool (although it is), but because I think it gives a glimpse into how this damn cancer thing has impacted some of my dearest friends…

My Old Friend,

Hey Now, as I sit here looking at a Blank Sheet Of Paper, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to talk about Me And You. This concert is seriously happening Not A Moment Too Soon!  Unfortunately, My Little Girls are not nearly as excited about this concert, since they’re not going, but I just can’t wait for you to Come Over!!!

The past few months I feel like I’ve been Living In Fast Forward and have been feeling kinda Angry All The Time.  Last week, I was actually thinking, well, There Goes My Life.  The silver-lining (as usual) is heading Somewhere With You.  I love Summertime and our concerts.  Life seems to, once again, be The Road And The Radio and it appears that every Flip Flop Summer, You Save Me.

I know the past five months Got A Little Crazy (to say the least) and has seriously been a Wild Ride. I feel confidant telling you that I truly feel like I know How Forever Feels, but yet, Time Flies. Your breast cancer diagnosis really did Scare Me and I hope to Never Feel That Way Again.  I am glad that you Give It To Me Strait as I Wouldn’t Want It Any Other Way, but everyone knows that you’re Only Human and that you are clearly doing Whatever It Takes to tell that horrid cancer that you Will Not Fall Down.  I have my Suspicions, although, I can’t imagine how difficult the moments are when you’re alone and you allow yourself to be honest with you.  I know there’s so much you don’t allow others to see.  To be honest, there have been moments where I know I Don’t Blink as I have felt helpless in helping you… but… then you speak, and I am completely reassured that you are Always Gonna Be You, cancer or no cancer, You Just Get Better All The Time!  I can’t wait for the end of this whole run of doctors and treatments to be over for you… and to celebrate your attitude, your being The One to beat cancer (which is No Small Miracle) and to shout out at the top of our lungs Touchdown Jesus!!!!

I’m thankful you have so much support and that you know that you’re not In This Boat Alone.  All I Need To Know is you believe me when I say that I Will Stand by you no matter what and would do anything To Get To You if you needed me, after all, That’s Why I’m Here!  I know all of this will be much Better As A Memory and that there’s more to come Down The Road and I know that you will deal with that with the same Be As You Are outlook but Just Not Today…

…Today, we once again get to Set This Circus Down, be Still, feel a little Freedom from all the I’m Workin’, Shiftwork.  Let the Last Dollar Fly Away and break free from Reality… I Need You to Let It Go… ALL of it, and truly break free from the past few months. So, instead of sitting Where The Green Grass Grows, we Will Stand, Somewhere In The Sun, in front of an Old Blue Chair with an awesome view of your Island Boy (who I’m sure you begged to Please Come To Boston), Kenny, as he sings about Guitars and Tiki Bars with my Indian Outlaw and Real Good Man, Tim, For A Little While. Ohhh, he definitely brings out The Cowboy In Me or Something Like That but that’s just Between The River And Me! 😉

You are one of the world’s most Beautiful People and are certainly the Spirit Of The Storm.  Your French Kissin’ Life and Live A Little, always Smiling, attitude is contagious.   You’re optimism makes me believe that no matter what life throws at us we can ask, Do You Want Fries With That?

This Is Our Moment with the Brothers Of The Sun!  So, tonight I want you to know that When The Sun Goes Down, When The Stars Go Blue and the Magic of the concert begins we will Live Those Songs in Boston while pretending we’re going Coastal, we’ll Feel Like A Rock Star while singing, I Like It, I Love It, in our most Southern Voices and I’m absolutely certain that we’ll Sing ‘Em Good My Friend.  It Doesn’t Get Any Countrier Than This and I am looking forward Just To See You Smile.  This is definitely The Good Stuff and I can honestly say for a moment like this, with My Best Friend, I Never Wanted Nothin’ More!!!!!!!!

So, are we gonna have a good time?  Well, Truck Yeah!!!!

I love you BFF,

Tina

I was laughing so hard at the end of that – a perfect way to start the night, and a letter to treasure forever! And while we DID have a blast, I’m afraid I wasn’t able to completely forget the c-word: I cried through Live Like You Were Dying – it obviously really hit home – and one of my other friends, Laura, who was sitting in another section even texted me during that song, which made me cry even more! I saw Heather and some of her family (which was like my family through middle and high school) for the first time since all this and it was hard to hold back the tears, then, too. Especially when Heather caught one of my lashes that had just fallen out and held it so I could make a wish … (And Heather, Laura and I ran into another friend from high school – Kristin – it was like a reunion!) Even on facebook another friend, Heather P-C, sweetly reminded me to stay hydrated!

I think it goes without saying that I am the luckiest girl in the world, with the best friends (near and far) anyone could wish for…

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Five months?!?!

Posted in Boston, Cancer, chemotherapy, connections, Discovery, Fundraising, prayer, recovery, work, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 20, 2012| 2 Comments »

I honestly cannot believe it: today is five months since I was sitting in my office and got the call from my doctor saying “you have breast cancer.” In some ways, it feels like a lifetime – I hardly remember a time when cancer wasn’t consuming my life. In other ways, I don’t know where these last five months have gone – I feel like it was just February, we were finishing the shutdown and celebrating my 38th birthday. (What a dud 38 has turned out to be – bring on 39!!!!)

But as much of a nightmare as this has all been, anyone who knows me knows that I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I refuse to curl up in a ball and cry endlessly (although I let myself for a few minutes every now and then…), become useless or a burden and just accept my fate. I am not going to over-analyze this and whine ‘why me’ over and over, either. In fact, I don’t think I have to – I think now maybe I know why me…

Just as I sat down to write this, my phone rang. I was so relieved to see my friend’s name. It was only a month ago that she told me the horrific news that she’d found a lump. I refered her to my fabulous dream team at Dana-Farber and it was confirmed as breast cancer. And today she was having a lumpectomy. While I’d heard she made it through fine, I was excited to hear her voice and know it for sure. I exclaimed my relief over the news that the doctors said all went well and they believe they caught it early and it’s all gone. And she said, “It’s thanks to you. You reminding everyone to check.” And that’s it. Maybe that is why. Maybe I needed to go through this so others can catch it early enough and stop it. Words can’t express how thankful I am that she found that lump and stopped it. That makes every second of this journey worth it.

So please – do your self-checks. And tell your sisters, mothers, wives, lovers, friends, daughters, everyone, to do their checks, too. But it’s not enough. We have to stop the damn c-word completely! As some of you know, I am excited to have two opportunities to help in the collective fight against cancer:

  • Tomorrow (Tuesday, August 21) at 1:15 p.m. I will be interviewed live on the 11thAnnual WEEI / NESN Jimmy Fund Radio-Telethon – Events – The Jimmy Fund. (WEEI is Boston’s sports radio station – 93.7 FM and 850 AM and you can listen live online at www.weei.com; It may also be simulcast on TV (NESN), but that’s TBD.) They are going to interview me about my personal cancer experience, my interactions at Dana-Farber, etc. Hopefully I’ll be able to help some cancer survivors know they are not alone in their experiences and inspire some people to donate and help conquer cancer. (And hopefully I won’t embarrass myself on live radio/TV…)
  • I’m also honored that my childhood friend Heather Forbes started a team for me in the Jimmy Fund Boston Marathon Walk on September 9. I am thrilled to be feeling healthy enough to walk the last three miles with the team, so have registered. Our team is still looking for walkers (and supporters), so if you are able, please join us – there are multiple legs, you don’t have to do the whole 26.2 miles! For more information on walking or donating: Amy’s Jimmy Fund Walk Page.

Thank you: every prayer, every self-check, every step walked, every penny donated: together we really can make a difference in this fight!

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