The other night my friend Herb told me about his recent trip to Florida and how surprised he was at how much his ailing father had changed. His mother hasn’t been straight with him on the phone and has been continuing to basically live their lives the same without accommodating for the changes in her husband. As I listened, it occurred to me that it has nothing to do with his mother being mean, neglectful or not loving his father. It’s BECAUSE she loves him so much that she just doesn’t want to face it. She doesn’t want to see how he’s changing and how frail he is, how much help he needs. She wants him to be the same man she fell in love with, the same man she married. Maybe she really can’t see the changes. It is her blind spot – don’t they say love is blind?
Then I realized: that’s how a few people are with me. It’s not that they don’t love or care about me that they completely ignore the fact that anything is different about me, maybe it’s that they do love me that it hurts them to see me this way and just refuse to face and deal with it. I am still hurt by how they now treat me, but this new perspective helps me understand them a little bit more, and at least makes me feel like maybe I do matter to them.
And then I had another revelation: that’s actually what I am doing to myself. I still get shocked when I look in the mirror. I still cringe when I see pictures of myself bald. I just went for a run (if you can even call what I’m doing running) and got frustrated with myself that I couldn’t even do the whole 3 miles of one minute run and one minute walk – sometimes I had to walk for two or three minutes before doing another minute of running. I don’t want to face that I don’t have hair any more. I don’t want to see that the steroids and eating to ease the nausea are making me pack back on the pounds. I don’t want to be tired after a few minutes running. I want to be the me I was in February…
Amy's America 
You’ve made your way through much of this trial. Soon it will be a distant memory. Hang in there!
Thank you Jessica – I can’t wait!!!
I had the great honor of seeing you on Saturday and you are so damn freakin’ beautiful it ain’t funny. You have an aura about you, my dear, that shines brighter than the sun. Love you to bits. J
Aw, thank you J – so good to see you!!! Love you too!!!
Oh honey, you are still you. You are alive and kicking cancer’s butt. You are a survivor. That’s the number one thing that you have to remember. Yes you may have more treatments coming, but you beat cancer, you survived.
I know that it’s hard being without your gorgeous hair, but I promise it will come back and be better than before. You may gain a few pounds now, but frankly when you go through the next round of chemo, you’re going to lose them again.
My underlying sentiment is that you are alive and here to spread your joyful personality, wonderful point of view and writing, and share your life with the ones that love you the most. So while you are tired of the cancer baloney, remember, you are a survivor and you will get through this yucky stuff. You just need to be patient.
Lots of love and big hugs to you my dear!!
Patience has never been one of my virtues, Vicky! 😉 But I promise to try, and thank you… xoxo
Baby steps my friend….make baby steps…and just breath123…. In/out…in/out
Thanks Doreen – the reminder always helps! I’m trying!
A very keen observation. I think some people see the sick and disabled as a reflection of themselves too, and that is also what sends people running in the other direction. Interacting with someone fighting for their lives makes people face their own mortality, and that is where their fight or flight instincts come into play. At least that is just my amateur observation from the front seat of the fight for your life battle. I know I don’t see myself as a sick person, nor do I see you that way either. You’re still just wonderful Amy. Wonderful Amy who just happens to have cancer right now – and will kick cancer’s butt!
Oh, you’re right! I hadn’t tied it to the mortality part, but I am sure that’s part of it. Thank you Monique!